Buckminster Skeeter: Wanna buy a watch?

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Name Tags

Why do we wear them?

I guess the response from experts would be that 'they facilitate rapport by offering an immediate familiarity". I don't buy it.

First off - do you really care that the kid checking you out at the grocery store is named Chris?
Do you make a note of it when you leave so you can perpetuate that little bond you built with him on aisle 3? Do you see him 2 weeks later at the movie theater and say "Hey Chris, how've you been?"? When you're engaged in conversation with a salesperson at Best Buy or Wal-Mart do you even look at their name tag? If so, do you actually call them by name during the exchange? Most people do not. If you look at the name tag don't you keep doing so because you keep forgetting their name during the 1 1/2 minutes your dealing with them.
When your waiter introduces themselves are you relieved that they will be 'taking care of you this evening'? You've forgotten their name before they're back with your drink order.

I have a friend who loves to call people by their names when he sees a name tag. But don't let him fool you. He doesn't really give a weasels balls about their name - he just figures since they want him to know their name he'll us it as often as possible as long as they're in his presence. Amusing, but beyond the intent of the name tag.

Why do people bother putting their name on a name tag when it's near impossible to say? 'Hello my name is Shaleyqua'. Your name is what?? Shal - i - quay, shal - a - kwa ....... "It's Shal-ee-kwa" - So why not put the phonetic version of that embarrassment!? How many vowels were your parents trying to pawn off on you. Go get a real name.

Here's a thought. If people are going to wear tags of some kind they should bear information I can use.
today's forecast: Partly Sunny
Steelers 21, Patriots 7
A Tomato is a fruit
Put old Lemons in your disposal to cut down the funk

I would actually say "thank you" and mean it if I learned a little something at the 7/11.

Maybe they could put personality traits on there. I couldn't care less if your name is Barb, but I'd be pleased to see "Bitchy before noon". Or " I snore". Or "I put-out".
If I walked into a singles bar with a tag on that said "I make 100K" I wouldn't need a name. "I enjoy Kayaking" would be a good tag - at least it may strike up an interesting conversation. In general I don't like people to know me or my name. I'd have to wear someone else's name - and if I don't like them I'll include their address and Social Security Number as well.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Republican, Democrat, Skeeter Party

Where the parties differ.

ON Iraq:
Republican: stay the course
Democrat: withdrawal immediately
Skeeter: Claim Iraq as our 51st state and build strip malls and sub-par government schools

On The War on Terror:
Republican: Use any means necessary to detain, capture, and kill Arabs so we can slowly gain control of their oil.
Democrat: Treat it as a legal/law enforcement issue to avoid any confrontation which might actually involve protecting our citizens.
Skeeter:Round up all combatants and ship them to France

On Welfare:
Republican: Re-Vamp our welfare system to free up more government money to award no-bid contracts to 'friends' of government officials
Democrat: Leave the system as-is but pump more money into it to maintain the level of poverty thus maintaining their voter base.
Skeeter: Force welfare recipients into manual labor for the state - thereby earning their money.

On Tort Reform:
Republican: Stop frivolous lawsuits so their rich buddies can stay rich.
Democrats: More frivolous lawsuits to take money from corporations and the self-employed and give it to moron opportunists.
Skeeter: Instead of lawsuits we should have duels with single shot handguns to settle cases.

On Social Security:
Republican: Force Americans to 'invest' their retirement in hand-picked companies/funds which make their party rich.
Democrats: Take away our responsibility of taking care of our own future by hijacking our paychecks and giving the money to those who did not plan ahead.
Skeeter: Relocate the remainder of the senior citizens to Florida. The states economy would be fueled by quilt sales and automobile body shops.

On Gun Control:
Republican: We have the right to keep and bear arms.
Democrat: We should not have the right to keep and bear arms.
Skeeter: We should be required to keep and bear arms.

On Abortion:
Republican: Pro-Life
Democrat: Pro-Choice
Skeeter: Pro-both - You may not abort, but Pro-lifers must adopt all unwanted babies.

On Campaign Finance Reform:
Republican: Keep sketchy foreign dignitaries and businessmen from contributing to their opponents campaign.
Democrat: Give the campaign money to 3rd party groups and have them campaign for their party.
Skeeter: Simplify matters and just pay the voters for their vote.

On the U.N.:
Republican: We should consider them only when they are on our side.
Democrat: We should let them make decisions on how we run our country.
Skeeter: Withdraw and turn the UN building in New York into a giant nightclub.

On Health Care:
Republican: Keep the money in the pockets of the big drug companies.
Democrat: Put the government in control of our health.
Skeeter: Do away with health insurance completely and strike against the healthcare industry until they lower their costs.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

State Symbols - Who decides

The other day I was enjoying a glass of cold milk during lunch when a friend informed me that it was our state (Virginia) beverage. State Beverage? I didn't know states have 'state beverages'. After some research I found that there really is no particular template that a state works from to name a 'state' this or 'state' that. Some states, like Virginia have 10 or so 'state' things while others could have dozens.
That got me thinking - who, exactly, decides to name something a 'state' something. And Why?

Here in Virginia we have:
State Bird: Cardinal
Dog: American Foxhound
Insect: Tiger Swallowtail Butterfly
Fish:Brook Trout
Shell: Oyster
Flower: American Dogwood
Tree: American Dogwood
Fossil: suspected Jeffersonian
Beverage: Milk
Boat: Chesapeake Bay Deadrise
Dance: Square Dance

So why stop there? It seems kinda odd to name a state fossil, boat, and dance. Why not a state car, cloud, or sexual position. STATE SEXUAL POSITION: DOGGY STYLE. That would look great on a post card. Or how about STATE EATING UTENSIL: FORK. Or STATE MARSUPIAL: OPOSSUM - ok, that's kinda unfair being that it's the only one. or STATE ROAD RAGE EPITHET: COCKSUCKER. Alabama has a state nut, the Pecan. Here we would have STATE NUT: JOHN THORNTON (a guy I know). How about STATE DEGENERATIVE NERVE DISEASE: FRIEDREICH'S ATAXIA. STATE GRAMMATICAL MARK: TILDE.

I think I'll make a list of proposed 'state' things and mail it to my governor. Maybe he can do something about it.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Little Known History

In 1915 an Englishman named John Avery Smithson sailed to a small Island in the Pacific. His intent was to find a relative nation of the Easter Island peoples. When his boarding craft made it to the beach he was greeted by an indigenous tribe who had never seen a white man. They called themselves the "Papugooki" which translated means "Those who eat bananas because they're tasty".
Wanting to impress the chief, Smithson decided to offer him a gift. The only thing he had brought with him was a kazoo, his research papers on the Easter Islanders, and a notified. He gave the chief his kazoo and taught him how to hum into it to create delightful tunes. The chief was very impressed with the instrument but things quickly turned bad for Smithson. The chief had his guards seize Smithson's mates (one of whom was Smithson's son) and hold them hostage. He demanded a kazoo for each member of the tribe within 6 months or they would sacrifice the mates to their deity Gurugooki ("He who provides bananas to eat because they are tasty").

Smithson left the island in a panic and sailed for the port of Hong Kong which was the largest port nearby. Smithson procured the 3,515 kazoos from a local trader but had to give all his gold and livestock in return.

He returned to the island in 5 months and presented the kazoos. The chief was very happy and had his guards release the hostages. After distributing kazoos to the tribe the chief allowed Smithson to remain on the island as long as he wanted to.

Years passed and Smithson died. His fellow mates decided it was time to leave and bid the tribe farewell.

On December 15th, 1975 a Cargo ship, blown off course by a typhoon, anchored near the island.
It was the first time in 60 years that foreigners had set foot in the land of the Papugooki. The crew of the ship was greeted at the beach by a serenade of 3,000+ kazoos playing the Papugooki National Anthem "Welcome, would you care for some tasty bananas".

Today you can see the Papugooki on their critically acclaimed international musical tour "3,000 kazoos and some tasty bananas".

Monday, November 14, 2005

Damn Cliches

Today I have decided that I despise cliches. And not just because it's a French word. The definition of cliche should read: "a phrase commonly used and abused by people who's skill with language is so poor that they must use someone else's coined terminology". Now here's the catch - My grammar and vocabulary basically sucks (or is it just 'suck'). So it's easy to pick a cliche for any given situation to avoid looking like a moron trying to put my thoughts into words. Nevertheless I have decided to try my best to avoid cliches altogether. It's particularly hard since I work in a business environment where cliches are as common as patchoulis at a Hippy gathering.

Here's a short list of some substitutions I will attempt to employ:

"think out of the box" = "Propose alternative theories and/or solutions which are not commonplace to the situation"
"Go the extra Mile" = "Exert effort to a degree which would exceed the pre-determined amount required"
"Comparing Apples and Oranges" = "Attempting to make 2 distinctly different things appear as though they were of equal value"
"When the going gets tough, the tough get going" = "At times of difficulty certain individuals with above average tolerance to stress tend to improve performance"
"Shoot from the hip" = "respond to a situation without being properly prepared"
"Have your cake and eat it too" = "Attempting to reap the benefits from something while avoiding any loss which would come at doing so."

Listen to yourself talk today. I bet you will here many cliches come out of your mouth.

Here's to you and your unimaginative language skills.

Friday, November 11, 2005

The Lottery and Porn

So the Mega Millions Lottery is up to $262,000,000. That's a crap load of dough. On my way to work this morning I picked up a single ticket for tonight's drawing. At first I thought "there's no way I could ever spend that kind of cash". So I decided to make a detailed agenda of where the money would go.
First off - let's assume I take the 'lump sum' option (mega penalty's and tax) and receive $130,000,000.
New House on the water somewhere, boat, college funds for all kids in my extended family, $1,000,000 for each of my siblings and father, $20,000,000 in the bank, $20,000,000 invested, $20,000,000 to charities - still leaves me with roughly $50,000,000 to pursue my lifelong dream of 3-dimensional Pornography.
And I'm not talking about "almost 3-D" like you see on those plasma TV descriptions. I don't want just crisp and clear - we're talking actual 3-D. Maybe Hologram would be a better word here. I blame George Lucas for my obsession with 3-D Porn. Whenever R2D2 would shoot out that hologram shot of Carrie Fisher I would think "wouldn't it be great if she were naked!". That's what we need - Projected holograms of pornography. You can project it anywhere, just like R2. Puts you right in the middle of the action, up close and personal. Show me 2 women getting it on right in the middle of my living room floor. Let's see some skank taking long pole bent over my sofa. I want an image so real that I can almost smell it. Speaking of smelling it, if we could integrate our holographic porn with the "smellevision" of the 70's we'd be in like Flynn. Who the Hell is Flynn anyway? And who let him in?
There are some Japanese researchers toying with holograms who'd I'd have to hire. Their problem is computer speed. It seems that an Led can generate a single point of a hologram. With each pixel (or, point of light) added to a picture you need faster computer speed to process the data in real time. With a hologram or 3-D image you have 3 times the pixels to process. Apparently they can't quite keep up yet. But with my $50,000,000 we can figure it out.
There's a lot of advancement happening in the 'old' 3-D school too. Using those goofy bi colored glasses and watching an image that, if you looked at it without the glasses, makes you feel hungover. But really, who wants to watch porn while wearing some ridiculous glasses.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

To Be a Scourge

I would very much enjoying being a scourge, bane, or even a curse. When you read through history, every major figure had one. The problem is it must take a lot of passion and activity to be a scourge, both of which I have little. In my quest to be a scourge I figured we first need to identify the necessary qualities.
The other day I was laying on the couch watching football. It was a great game - Miami vs. Virginia Tech. As Miami beat the #3 ranked Hokies I found myself wondering if this kind of ass whipping would qualify Miami and a "scourge" to Virginia Tech. But to be considered a scourge one must display repeated run-ins with your rival and victory must go, at least 50% of the time, to the scourge or else they wouldn't really be a scourge. Just a foe. And a foe is not really a scourge unless the opponent fears or has a chance of loss to it. For Example: White men were a scourge to Native Americans. There were repeated run-ins and the Native Americans feared them and usually lost. Then again, most of the Native American tribes were continuously fighting each other for territory therefore they were scourge to each other. There's another complexity. One can have a scourge and be a scourge at the same time. And you don't necessarily have to be a scourge to the party who is your scourge.
What makes people so pre-occupied with someone else that the become a scourge. Political power, religion, greed, jealousy....... None of these apply to me but I do desire to be a scourge. Just for the sake ot it. Think of how pure a scourge can be when there is no underlying ambition or goal. No raw emotion to get in the way of planning and implementing processes which will be detrimental to your opponent.
There must also be levels of scourge. Everyone's heard of an arch-rival or arch-enemy. The term 'arch' used as a prefix or adjective means "first, chief, highest, most extreme". So an opponent can have multiple scourges yet have one which is 'arch' or first. For example, during WWII Europe had two scourges - Germany and Italy. Germany was the "archenemy" since they had the majority of the power, force, and political prowess. Italy, while being a scourge to the people of Europe, was really just Germany's bitch.
to be continued.......