Buckminster Skeeter: Wanna buy a watch?

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Republican, Democrat, Skeeter Party

Where the parties differ.

ON Iraq:
Republican: stay the course
Democrat: withdrawal immediately
Skeeter: Claim Iraq as our 51st state and build strip malls and sub-par government schools

On The War on Terror:
Republican: Use any means necessary to detain, capture, and kill Arabs so we can slowly gain control of their oil.
Democrat: Treat it as a legal/law enforcement issue to avoid any confrontation which might actually involve protecting our citizens.
Skeeter:Round up all combatants and ship them to France

On Welfare:
Republican: Re-Vamp our welfare system to free up more government money to award no-bid contracts to 'friends' of government officials
Democrat: Leave the system as-is but pump more money into it to maintain the level of poverty thus maintaining their voter base.
Skeeter: Force welfare recipients into manual labor for the state - thereby earning their money.

On Tort Reform:
Republican: Stop frivolous lawsuits so their rich buddies can stay rich.
Democrats: More frivolous lawsuits to take money from corporations and the self-employed and give it to moron opportunists.
Skeeter: Instead of lawsuits we should have duels with single shot handguns to settle cases.

On Social Security:
Republican: Force Americans to 'invest' their retirement in hand-picked companies/funds which make their party rich.
Democrats: Take away our responsibility of taking care of our own future by hijacking our paychecks and giving the money to those who did not plan ahead.
Skeeter: Relocate the remainder of the senior citizens to Florida. The states economy would be fueled by quilt sales and automobile body shops.

On Gun Control:
Republican: We have the right to keep and bear arms.
Democrat: We should not have the right to keep and bear arms.
Skeeter: We should be required to keep and bear arms.

On Abortion:
Republican: Pro-Life
Democrat: Pro-Choice
Skeeter: Pro-both - You may not abort, but Pro-lifers must adopt all unwanted babies.

On Campaign Finance Reform:
Republican: Keep sketchy foreign dignitaries and businessmen from contributing to their opponents campaign.
Democrat: Give the campaign money to 3rd party groups and have them campaign for their party.
Skeeter: Simplify matters and just pay the voters for their vote.

On the U.N.:
Republican: We should consider them only when they are on our side.
Democrat: We should let them make decisions on how we run our country.
Skeeter: Withdraw and turn the UN building in New York into a giant nightclub.

On Health Care:
Republican: Keep the money in the pockets of the big drug companies.
Democrat: Put the government in control of our health.
Skeeter: Do away with health insurance completely and strike against the healthcare industry until they lower their costs.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I enjoyed this and got a good laugh, but I am much an apolitical kind of person. I couldn't care less about politics; nothing bores me more. I guess I should care-- this sort of mugwumpery could be perceived as un-American by some.

9:59 AM  

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