Buckminster Skeeter: Wanna buy a watch?

Friday, December 23, 2005

Let's all be Mormons

While watching the BYU/California Bowl Game last night I started thinking about Mormonism. After a little web research I found out that we'd all be better off if everyone converted today and all states could be like Utah(which is over 75% Mormon). Take a look at these impressive figures:

(Stats are for Mormons or the State of Utah) compared to national averages.

* 3rd highest high school graduation rate
* Lowest Divorce rate (when married to another Mormon)
* Highest charitable contributions
* Highest chartable contributions as a percent to income.
* Low incarceration per capita rate: 205/100,000 (423 national average).
* Women are more likely to graduate college than Protestant or Catholic women.
* Fewest births to un-wed mothers.
* Lowest teen pregnancy rate.
* 1st in personal computers per household.
* 2nd lowest death rate: 5.6/1,000/year.
* Lowest smoking rate for teens: 7.3%
* 1st or 2nd in lowest risk/prevalence/cases of most major diseases.
* 1st in Jell-o consumption - a little odd, but impressive nonetheless.

With figures like this who wouldn't want to be a Mormon living in a Utahpian state? It's a peaceful, healthy, intelligent, and giving group of folks. And if you wanted to rock the boat a little you can practice polygamy (Although the Church hasn't 'officially' condoned polygamy since the 1800's many still practice it citing old school theology). If everyone practiced Mormonism you wouldn't have to worry about rampant inbreeding, which seems to be an issue, becuase there would be a larger pool to select a mate from. Your kids would be relatively well behaved good students who wouldn't get pregnant. That is, of course, until they got married at the ripe old age of 17. And don't forget that 2 year vacation from your kids you get when you send them off on that mission to Cleveland or Bolivia - they're only allowed to call home on Mothers Day and Christmas. I wonder if I'll have to buy my son a bike or if the church provides it?! Maybe I should start saving now for white button ups and blue/black slacks. 'So long' to those beers I slurp down on occasion - It's Jell-O from here on out.

And remember - when you learn that a keystone of Mormon theology lies in the belief that God resides near the star Kolob and was 'exalted' into the position of 'God' by his 'God' - you're just trying to live a better quality of Life!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Today was fraught with cliches

To add on to a previous post - I heard these atrocities today during a single 30 minute conversation with 2 people:

(italicized parts from www.wordorigins.org)

pardon my French- vas te faire encule, paure con
For lack of a better word- 'The OED2, the largest English-language dictionary, contains some 290,000 entries with some 616,500 word forms.Of these, about 200,000 words are in common use today. An educated person has a vocabulary of about 20,000 words and uses about 2,000 in a week's conversation.' So next time just say "Since my vocabulary sucks I'll just pick a word I think may be somewhat related to what I really mean."
six of one half dozen of the other - how about "same thing"
the whole 9 yards - This phrase is of unknown origin and is the subject of some debate. At issue is to what does nine yards refer. The meaning is clearly the entirety or everything, but nine yards is not a significant measure of anything. All we know about its origin is that the phrase cannot be traced any earlier than the mid-1960s and that it is American in origin. - Leave it to us Americans to invent irrelevant terminology.
Burning the midnight oil. - Are we in the fucking 19th century? Does anybody use an oil burning lamp for household illumination anymore? Can't we just say 'worked late' or 'Stayed up late'?
screw the pooch- Ok, I kinda like this one. The original expression was 'fuck the dog'. I think I'll start using the original - has a much better bite to it.
bad hair day - how about 'sloppy hygiene'?
Give it the ol' College Try - I didn't try very hard in college - so don't give it my College Try.
It's a small world - The earth has an area of 57,268,900 square miles. Does that sound small to you? If you keep running in to the same people how about getting out of your socially assigned environment for a while.
Happier than a pig in shit - Another one I kinda like. Have you ever seen a pig in shit? They are quite happy! I noticed it on my last trip to the petting zoo. P.S. Never pet a pig who has been in shit.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Traffic Jockeys

I tend to be somewhat of a defensive driver. Sometimes I speed a little but I'm always mindfully of my surroundings. Perhaps it's because I rode a motorcycle for a while and in doing so learned to be VERY aware of other drivers. Despite my dislike for fellow man I tend to be a courteous driver. I let people in my lane when they've been waiting at an intersection and so forth. But what I can not stand is these traffic jockeys who think they, personally, have more of a right to every inch of pavement than the rest of us.
You know these jerk-offs. The guy who comes flying up behind you when your doing 70 in the left hand lane. They get right up your ass even when anybody with half a brain could see that you are in the process of passing other motorists. Don't they know that it will only take about 30 more seconds for you to clear that last car so you can get over to the right lane? My favorite is when you see this jackass coming up behind you - thinking he can make a move to pass you on the right - so he does - he keeps his speed - only to get stuck behind someone in the right lane. That's when I speed up just enough to keep them from cutting over in front of me. Not a noticeable acceleration - just a few m'sph enough to close that extra 3 feet he needs. I especially love it when they act like they meant to be in that lane. They'll hang in there for about 1/2 mile and then you see them, in your rear view, move on over to the left lane and start the process over again.
Sometimes you'll see a real cool guy weaving in and out of traffic, trying to get in front of everyone on the road. Almost clipping an SUV, cutting off a station wagon, tailgating a Neo, even using a little bit of the shoulder to get around an oversized truck. This guy whizzes by then, through some sort of cosmic justice, there he is caught at the same light as you. He gained maybe 2 car positions after all that testostodriving. There should be a law passed that allows citizens to damage an automobile when they find someone's driving offensive.

Cell phone usage is another problem. I heard about a study on cell phones and car accidents. The study showed that it is not the act of holding a cell phone to ones ear that is distracting. The example was given that if you drive down the road with your hand on your ear (no cell phone) you don't really lose much coordination. Kinda blows the whole 'hands free accessories' ideal away.
It's the distraction of your brain trying to maintain a conversation that is the problem. You're trying to absorb what someone is saying while thinking of what you are going to say next. I guess it doesn't hold true when someone is riding with you - maybe because you're not anticipating when they are going to stop speaking so that you may start or you are under no time constraints to finish a conversation. The distraction is tripled when you try to write, read, or locate something while engaged in conversation while driving.
The point is this - If you're too feeble minded to perform seemingly menial task simultaneously TURN THE FUCKING PHONE OFF. Everyone was almost been run off the road by a soccer mom on a cell phone. Young girls are the worst. They can't drive for shit as it is - let's throw in another complication.
I, on the other hand, am a master at multitasking while driving. I can drive (in heavy traffic), while using a hand-held cell phone, while looking at a map, while jerking off (if the time is right), while sipping coffee, while scratching my ass, while giving the finger to the yahoo who just cut me off. People should be tested for some sort of multi-tasking ability and have those credentials on their drivers licenses.
And TURN DOWN THAT SHITTY MUSIC. I'm really glad that you took all your burger flipping money and invested in a PA system for your Ford Escort but I don't need my rear view mirror rattling. I play my music loud, but I doubt if anyone outside my car (inside theirs) can hear it. If they do it's a faint muffled sound. I would like to get a van - service van like contractors drive - remove the side panels and install 30 or so speakers and subwoofers on each side power by 15,000 watt amplifiers. When some dude pulls up next to me playing Snoops latest hit single (over and over again) I'll give them a dose of Angel Corpse at 200 decibels. Hopefully it would blow all their windows, flatten their tires, and rip that peach fuzz mustache from their lip.

When are people going to realize that those stickers of Calvin peeing on the logo of another make of car has run it's course. How original do you have to be to put one of those on your Ford F150? Unimaginative pee-brains. I would like to get a sticker of Calvin pissing on a truck that has a sticker of Calving pissing on a logo. hmmm, seems a bit oxymoronish, but I think it could work. Next you'd see a sticker of Calvin pissing on a sticker of Calvin pissing on a truck that has a sticker of Calvin pissing on a logo.

There are some things that I absolutely LOVE to see on the road:
1) People driving with their little door to the gas cap open. It's extra special when the gas cap itself is dangling by that little piece of plastic.
2) A piece of someone's coat, skirt, or seat belt hanging out the bottom of their door.
3) a semi-flat tire and they're clueless.
4) A rude bumpersticker
5) A random shoe. Imagine the possibilities.
6) Unidentifiable RoadKill.
7) Trash bags taped over missing windows.
8) Duck taped body work
9) Dangling Side-view mirrors
10) Fat people in tiny cars.

So when you see me out there on the road remember - I'll stay out of your way if you'll stay out of mine - meanwhile I'll be insulting and belittling you for my personal amusement.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Filled with the Christmas Spirit

Since it's almost Christmas I'll be kind and considerate with today's post.

Nah, Fuck it!

Let's talk about bums and Christmas. Bums traditionally have no home, few possessions, and are prone to mental disorders. There are many who have little control over their circumstances - mainly through mental illness or neglect from their family. I feel pity and sorrow for these poor souls. I wish I could help them. The problem is weeding out all the pathetic pieces of human waste who are mixed in. Bums who fully deserve to be where they are. There has to be a 'bottom of the barrel' in every species and they fit the bill. EVERYONE can't be successful and make it through life by adhering to the rules, amassing possessions and wealth, treating others fairly well, and making the right choices at least 1/3 of the time. There must be some that fall behind - that's the nature of getting ahead - you have to have something to be 'ahead' of. Some genes MUST be left out of the gene pool - that's the nature of Selection, Survival of the Fittest, etc... Again - I'm not talking about those who have no control over their circumstances. I don't spit on bums and shun them automatically because I don't know each and every one of them personally.
But here's the question. What do bums think about Christmas? They don't have shit anyway so are they upset about not getting any presents? Are they extra-jealous of us this time of year?

I think they're just as happy as we are. Not because THEY have the Christmas Spirit but because WE have the Christmas Spirit. You see a ratty old bum wearing a Santa hat and you think - "ah, look.... He's in the Christmas Spirit even though he's a bum". Then you hand him a buck or two because he put forth an effort to get into the societal moment. Later that night another bum, with no Santa hat, will fight him for that hat. He knows it's a ticket to extra handouts. I saw one the other day with a sign that said "Everyone deserves a Merry Christmas". This particular guy is a pro. He's at the same busy intersection every few days at rush hour. Last month he had the same sign that said "Everyone deserves a Happy Thanksgiving". You could actually see where he changed the words on his sign. I throw him a buck every know and then - at least he has a strategy.
Here's a thought: If a bum asks you for money this week get him to sing a Christmas Song or two. If he can belt out "Frosty the Snowman" and stay somewhat on key I'll give him some dough. Ask them to name Santa's Reindeer for 5 bucks. Or to recite "The Night Before Christmas". 'Tis the season for bums to get enterprising.

But, unfortunately, most will just hold out their hand.

Be kind to a bum this Christmas. It'll make you feel good even though they'll probably spend it on booze or crack. At least you give them the gift of a buzz.