Buckminster Skeeter: Wanna buy a watch?

Friday, December 23, 2005

Let's all be Mormons

While watching the BYU/California Bowl Game last night I started thinking about Mormonism. After a little web research I found out that we'd all be better off if everyone converted today and all states could be like Utah(which is over 75% Mormon). Take a look at these impressive figures:

(Stats are for Mormons or the State of Utah) compared to national averages.

* 3rd highest high school graduation rate
* Lowest Divorce rate (when married to another Mormon)
* Highest charitable contributions
* Highest chartable contributions as a percent to income.
* Low incarceration per capita rate: 205/100,000 (423 national average).
* Women are more likely to graduate college than Protestant or Catholic women.
* Fewest births to un-wed mothers.
* Lowest teen pregnancy rate.
* 1st in personal computers per household.
* 2nd lowest death rate: 5.6/1,000/year.
* Lowest smoking rate for teens: 7.3%
* 1st or 2nd in lowest risk/prevalence/cases of most major diseases.
* 1st in Jell-o consumption - a little odd, but impressive nonetheless.

With figures like this who wouldn't want to be a Mormon living in a Utahpian state? It's a peaceful, healthy, intelligent, and giving group of folks. And if you wanted to rock the boat a little you can practice polygamy (Although the Church hasn't 'officially' condoned polygamy since the 1800's many still practice it citing old school theology). If everyone practiced Mormonism you wouldn't have to worry about rampant inbreeding, which seems to be an issue, becuase there would be a larger pool to select a mate from. Your kids would be relatively well behaved good students who wouldn't get pregnant. That is, of course, until they got married at the ripe old age of 17. And don't forget that 2 year vacation from your kids you get when you send them off on that mission to Cleveland or Bolivia - they're only allowed to call home on Mothers Day and Christmas. I wonder if I'll have to buy my son a bike or if the church provides it?! Maybe I should start saving now for white button ups and blue/black slacks. 'So long' to those beers I slurp down on occasion - It's Jell-O from here on out.

And remember - when you learn that a keystone of Mormon theology lies in the belief that God resides near the star Kolob and was 'exalted' into the position of 'God' by his 'God' - you're just trying to live a better quality of Life!


Blogger Dr. Metal said...

I requested one of those free Mormon Bibles when I was in college. They sent it to me lickety-split. You should add "generous and prompt" onto your list of nice qualities. Since I'm neither of these things, I probably won't qualify.

4:16 PM  

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