Buckminster Skeeter: Wanna buy a watch?

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Traffic Jockeys

I tend to be somewhat of a defensive driver. Sometimes I speed a little but I'm always mindfully of my surroundings. Perhaps it's because I rode a motorcycle for a while and in doing so learned to be VERY aware of other drivers. Despite my dislike for fellow man I tend to be a courteous driver. I let people in my lane when they've been waiting at an intersection and so forth. But what I can not stand is these traffic jockeys who think they, personally, have more of a right to every inch of pavement than the rest of us.
You know these jerk-offs. The guy who comes flying up behind you when your doing 70 in the left hand lane. They get right up your ass even when anybody with half a brain could see that you are in the process of passing other motorists. Don't they know that it will only take about 30 more seconds for you to clear that last car so you can get over to the right lane? My favorite is when you see this jackass coming up behind you - thinking he can make a move to pass you on the right - so he does - he keeps his speed - only to get stuck behind someone in the right lane. That's when I speed up just enough to keep them from cutting over in front of me. Not a noticeable acceleration - just a few m'sph enough to close that extra 3 feet he needs. I especially love it when they act like they meant to be in that lane. They'll hang in there for about 1/2 mile and then you see them, in your rear view, move on over to the left lane and start the process over again.
Sometimes you'll see a real cool guy weaving in and out of traffic, trying to get in front of everyone on the road. Almost clipping an SUV, cutting off a station wagon, tailgating a Neo, even using a little bit of the shoulder to get around an oversized truck. This guy whizzes by then, through some sort of cosmic justice, there he is caught at the same light as you. He gained maybe 2 car positions after all that testostodriving. There should be a law passed that allows citizens to damage an automobile when they find someone's driving offensive.

Cell phone usage is another problem. I heard about a study on cell phones and car accidents. The study showed that it is not the act of holding a cell phone to ones ear that is distracting. The example was given that if you drive down the road with your hand on your ear (no cell phone) you don't really lose much coordination. Kinda blows the whole 'hands free accessories' ideal away.
It's the distraction of your brain trying to maintain a conversation that is the problem. You're trying to absorb what someone is saying while thinking of what you are going to say next. I guess it doesn't hold true when someone is riding with you - maybe because you're not anticipating when they are going to stop speaking so that you may start or you are under no time constraints to finish a conversation. The distraction is tripled when you try to write, read, or locate something while engaged in conversation while driving.
The point is this - If you're too feeble minded to perform seemingly menial task simultaneously TURN THE FUCKING PHONE OFF. Everyone was almost been run off the road by a soccer mom on a cell phone. Young girls are the worst. They can't drive for shit as it is - let's throw in another complication.
I, on the other hand, am a master at multitasking while driving. I can drive (in heavy traffic), while using a hand-held cell phone, while looking at a map, while jerking off (if the time is right), while sipping coffee, while scratching my ass, while giving the finger to the yahoo who just cut me off. People should be tested for some sort of multi-tasking ability and have those credentials on their drivers licenses.
And TURN DOWN THAT SHITTY MUSIC. I'm really glad that you took all your burger flipping money and invested in a PA system for your Ford Escort but I don't need my rear view mirror rattling. I play my music loud, but I doubt if anyone outside my car (inside theirs) can hear it. If they do it's a faint muffled sound. I would like to get a van - service van like contractors drive - remove the side panels and install 30 or so speakers and subwoofers on each side power by 15,000 watt amplifiers. When some dude pulls up next to me playing Snoops latest hit single (over and over again) I'll give them a dose of Angel Corpse at 200 decibels. Hopefully it would blow all their windows, flatten their tires, and rip that peach fuzz mustache from their lip.

When are people going to realize that those stickers of Calvin peeing on the logo of another make of car has run it's course. How original do you have to be to put one of those on your Ford F150? Unimaginative pee-brains. I would like to get a sticker of Calvin pissing on a truck that has a sticker of Calving pissing on a logo. hmmm, seems a bit oxymoronish, but I think it could work. Next you'd see a sticker of Calvin pissing on a sticker of Calvin pissing on a truck that has a sticker of Calvin pissing on a logo.

There are some things that I absolutely LOVE to see on the road:
1) People driving with their little door to the gas cap open. It's extra special when the gas cap itself is dangling by that little piece of plastic.
2) A piece of someone's coat, skirt, or seat belt hanging out the bottom of their door.
3) a semi-flat tire and they're clueless.
4) A rude bumpersticker
5) A random shoe. Imagine the possibilities.
6) Unidentifiable RoadKill.
7) Trash bags taped over missing windows.
8) Duck taped body work
9) Dangling Side-view mirrors
10) Fat people in tiny cars.

So when you see me out there on the road remember - I'll stay out of your way if you'll stay out of mine - meanwhile I'll be insulting and belittling you for my personal amusement.


Blogger Dr. Metal said...

I was in until the absolutely and totally unnecessary blast on duct taped body work. My "Kentucky Chrome" has been on my front left for almost three years now. I'd buy an entire car made out of duct tape if they'd make one. Trouble is that it would be 1000 times cheaper and three times as durable. That's the American Way--just like driving "offensively".

5:19 AM  

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