Buckminster Skeeter: Wanna buy a watch?

Friday, January 27, 2006

State Symbols make the news

Back on 11/22/05 I blogged about State Symbols. Yesterday there was a front page article on Virginia's state symbols. It seems that our lawmakers are chewing up valuable time arguing over what should be Virginia's State Song. That's right - state song. God forbid they work on the wretched traffic patterns or rampant violence in some of our cities. Those are not nearly as important as determining which musical tune best describes our state. But at least I had a question answered - who decides? Apparently it takes a resolution put forth by one of our esteemed 'lawmakers' in the Virginia State Senate.
We haven't had an official State Song since the 1997. It used to be Carry me back to Old Virginny but they demoted it because of some 'racist' undertones.

Here's the first verse:

"Carry me back to old Virginny,
There's where the cotton and the corn and tatoes grow,
There's where the birds warble sweet in the springtime,
There's where the old darke'ys heart am long'd to go,
There's where I labored so hard for old massa,
Day after day in the field of yellow corn,
No place on earth do I love more sincerely
Than old Virginny, the state where I was born."

Ironically it was penned by a famous writer named James Bland, who just so happened to be a black guy.
They designated it State Song 'emeritus' for the time being and directed a study committee to come up with a new state song. Yep, that's where my tax dollars are going. For some 'lawmakers' and their lackeys to sit around fishing through the universe of songs searching for the perfect match. Money well spent. Shitheads!

The current debate is about a proposal to name Shenandoah as our state song. For those that don't know, the Shenandoah Valley runs along the western part of Virginia between the Blue Ridge and the Allegheny mountains (I think). It is beautiful and awe-inspiring. The debate rages because the lyrics were written a looong time ago when the territory of Virginia extended about 800 miles further to the west.

1st verse:

"Shenandoah, I long to hear you,
Away, you rolling river,Oh, Shenandoah,
I long to hear you,Away,
I'm bound away,'Cross the wide Missouri.

Hmmmm. Let's see. Virginia doesn't currently extend 'cross the wide Missouri. Who are these pea-brained, over paid, empty suits that are coming up with these ideas?

I'm currently drafting a letter to our State Senate. Here's the rough draft:

Dear esteemed Representatives,

As one of your proud constituents I am honored to provide my assistance in your endeavors to designate our beautiful state with a new official State Song. I fully realize the importance of a having a song to represent what our citizens holds dear. Although only 1 out of 100 people even realize that we have a 'state' anything, we cannot underestimate the importance of these symbolic representations to our economy, quality of life, or general well-being. It is for this purpose that I endorse "Chapter Of Obeisance Before Giving Breath To The Inert One In The Presence Of The Cresent Shaped Horns" by Nile. I believe you will find it's lyrics both inspiring and passionate.

Your faithful constituent,

Buckminster Skeeter

Monday, January 23, 2006

Beauty or intelligence

I don't usually do requests but a friend recently asked me if I would rather be beautiful or intelligent. It sparked memories of drunken debates with my friend Dr. Metal on this very subject.

So here's the question: If you could choose to instantly become either Beautiful or Intelligent which would you choose?

The first problem with this scenario is the fact that both are subject to opinion, taste, and you're basis of comparison. For example, Dr. Metal always thought that Madonna was really hot. Beautiful even. I, on the other hand, do not find her attractive at all. Some guys find fat, big lipped, bleached blonde, tattooed woman beautiful. Others do not. Some people consider Michael Moore intelligent. I certainly do not. I believe that Dr. Metal is intelligent. Alan Greenspan would probably not consider Dr. Metal to be 'intelligent' based on the level of intelligence he(Mr. Greenspan) is surrounded with on a daily basis.

That brings up the second problem: there are levels of beauty and intelligence. Stephen Hawking is vastly more intelligent than Bill Murray. But Bill Murray is intelligent. Vastly more so than a lot of people. Pamela Anderson is more beautiful than Renee Zellweger who is more beautiful than the 'hot chick' working at the local bar. Of course these statements are based on my opinion but it's just for comparison's sake. Beauty here will have to be defined as "physically attractive". No fair saying someone is beautiful because they 'have a big heart' or write poetry like Shakespeare.

So to thoroughly discuss the question, beauty or intelligence, we have to level the playing field and assume that everyone's opinion of ultimate beauty and superior intelligence are the same.
For the sake of a hint of reality in this game we will also assume that when we choose either we will be gaining say an 8 out of 10 on the scale of either beauty or intelligence. Everyone would want to be omniscient. That's not a fair choice.
Oh yeah, and you cannot choose intelligence because you can have plastic surgery to get beautiful - also unfair.

Beauty: Everyone wants to be beautiful. Beautiful people have a lot of advantages in life. They are more pleasant to look at so they are engaged in conversation more often than others. This begins at an early age. Look at any school, little league team, day care, or social environment - the pretty kids get more attention. The more interaction they have the more social skills they probably develop faster than the ugly kids. My son is beautiful - everyday people approach us in public to comment on his good looks. They don't say much about the brilliant 2 year old who is at the next table drawing a scale map of the solar system on the back of his kids menu. Beautiful kids gain more opportunities. This carries over into adulthood. Beauty can make people feel better about themselves and gain them dates/mates easily. They get hit on, asked out, approached, engaged, included and promoted more often than non-beautiful people. This does a lot for self esteem and confidence. If you choose to be instantly beautiful there would, no doubt, be more opportunity for you. You would have hot dates, be the center of attention, and be welcomed in most social situations.

intelligence: I know people who can take apart a Toyota Camry, rebuild the engine, and put it back together without so much as taking a note on the process. But they don't know the capitol of California. They are intelligent on a certain level. On the other hand, my father is brilliant - knows loads of stuff about chemistry, biology, world history, geography, travel, culture, and the military achievements of WWII - but he hasn't figured out 'righty tighty, lefty loosy' with a screw driver. So bearing in mind that intelligence is a broad spectrum it could be hard to choose what you're intelligence would pertain to. Could you pick? I'd pick economics and mathematics . You may pick music, art, history, or the likes. Dr. Metal may pick philosophy. He'd be the ultimate philosopher - he'd run rings around anyone logically (to steal a Python phrase). Intelligence can gain you notoriety, fame, fortune, and a comforting feeling of mental superiority. But you may be hideously ugly. Perhaps you'd be smart enough to know that beauty is an illusion. We're just skin and bone. What you see is merely the reflection of light from the matter that makes up our body. It's real, but beauty is not. When the lights are out you are no longer beautiful but you're still smart!

I would have to go with intelligence and here's why:
1) even ugly people have sex. Take a look around the next time you go to the mall. Ugly folks everywhere... With families.... Someone's screwing them. Usually ugly people have sex with ugly people. But there still having sex with someone. Beautiful people sometimes go without sex or dates. Depends on their character.
2) I see beautiful people all the time working minimum wage jobs.
3) intelligence can make you rich. So can Beauty - but it usually takes longer and you have to fuck a lot of ugly people to get there.
4) Beauty fades rapidly with age. Intelligence fades too, but much later in life and much slower.
5) intelligence can solve world problems. Beauty cannot.
6) People don't often stare at, stalk, or assault intelligent people. Ever heard of a serial rapist targeting smart girls?
7) Beautiful people tend to attract other beautiful people as friends, groups, clicks etc... You'd be surrounded by less than intelligent people always.

I wonder if anyone has done a study on the relationship between beauty and intelligence. They rarely go hand in hand. Hot chick... Dumb as bricks. Smart chick... Ugly as sin. Only in movies and TV do you see super hot lawyers, doctors, and physicists on a regular basis. I'm not saying they don't exist, just rare. Watch TV tonight or a movie- you'll see. Maybe being beautiful somehow diminishes any intelligence you have. What if you have the potential to be brilliant, but the social situations you are thrust into takes away any chance to develop your brilliance. Pretty girls go to dance classes, join cheerleading, sleep overs, gymnastics.. Instead of learning and enhancing their brain they are 'accepted' by others and encouraged to get involved in as many social things as possible. The ugly girl stays home and studys her multiplication tables. The good looking boy plays sports. He's got a better chance, the coach would rather have a good looking, popular kid on the team than a homely kid. Except for your 'ugly kid' positions - you know- offensive line, full back, goalie, relief pitcher.

p.s. Thank God for spell check. I misspelled intelligent/intelligence 25 times. I must be beautiful.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

To Be A Scourge, Part II

So I have picked my target. I believe his name is Bill. Maybe Bill Jenkins. I'm not sure. He works two stories below me for some computer simulating company. I usually see him about once per day as he gets on the elevators to go smoke in the courtyard downstairs. He has been chosen - He is my mark. Why? Well for starters I don't know him at all. I've never said more than "hello" in passing. He doesn't know me, my name, or what I do or who I work for. He's clue-less - like a good mark should be. I don't like this guy Bill and here's why: He always jingles change in his pocket on the elevator, he drives a Mustang convertible which he always parks in the best parking spot in the lot and upon entering the car he immediately puts the top down no matter the temperature, he wears a lot of gold jewelry and makes sure you can see it even if it means wearing it on the outside of a sweater, he has a tiny goat tee about 1/8 inch wide, and he smokes menthol cigarettes.

So... To be a scourge...

1) Scourge without underlying ambition or goal - I have nothing to gain by being Bill's scourge. Therefore it passes my requirement of 'purity'.
2) Constant Run-Ins- This is easily achieved as we work in proximity throughout the year.
3) Level of scourge - hmmm. I'll start with what I call Seed Scourge. This is where you plant the seeds to see if it will take root. What if my attacks do not effect the mark - then the mark can be abandoned before too much effort is put into it.

So here's the result of the first week attempting scourge.
A little graffiti: With a fine pointed Sharpie I wrote "Jingle the change in your pocket if you want to SUCK A DICK" on the wall of the elevator. Not too conspicuous but right at the corner where he likes to stand. I haven't been in the elevator with him since, but now when I see him exiting he never has his hands in his pockets anymore. I can only dream of the embarrassment it may have caused him one day, getting into the elevator with his work buddies. I get a kick out of enforcing my will upon someone in such a stealth fashion.
I also found a dead squirrel in the side parking lot of the building. I placed him gently next to the ashtray in the courtyard with a Salem menthol butt in his mouth. I just checked, he's still there. I know he's seen it. How do you like that Billy boy? Seed Scourge is sprouting....

Next week I plan on parking my old Volvo in his choice parking spot (I'll get a ride home and drive the 4Runner the rest of the week). I'll leave it there all week, maybe longer. I can never beat him to the spot because he comes in earlier than I do every day. So taking up his space all week should get under his skin. If only I could figure out a way to fling some bird poop from the roof onto him when he puts that top down... hmmm. I think it can be done.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Exorbitant Nudity

This has been a joy of mine for quite some time. There's nothing that brings a smile to my face like nudity without cause, reason, or relevance. Especially in movies. Nudity during a sex or sexual scene is always welcome but when it's unwarranted it's even better.
Case in point: My wife and I went to see the movie A History of Violence a while back. It's the kind of movie I like- well acted, brutally violent, and with plenty dirty sex. But there was one scene in particular which holds in my memory. During a conversation which takes place in the master bedroom the wife enters from the bathroom. She's wearing an open robe with her funbags presented in full view. Through her scantly laced panties you can see a good bit of muff and a little bit of camel toe (if you look hard enough - as I did). She spouts out a few lines of the script and exits to the next room. It was fantastic! My wife leans over and says "awww come on. There was no reason for her to be showing her stuff in that scene." EXACTLY!!! Her tits and muff had NO part in the scene. It wasn't sexual and certainly didn't contribute to the dialogue or plot. It was beautiful. Nudity for the sake of nudity.
Since it had/has such a profound effect on me I thought of a few other situations were a little exorbitant female nudity would brighten my day - female only, mind you:

* commentators on the sidelines of football games
* bank tellers
* politicians delivering news conferences - except Hillary, who I believe actually has a swinging tool.
* women athletes- bouncy bouncy
* beauty salon stylist - would make the whole shampooing part much more interesting
* Starbucks coffee winches
* all waitresses, bartenders, and hostesses
* cops - "get on the ground?.. Yes mam"
* teachers - Van Halen's Hot for Teacher is responsible for this one

The ordeal last year with Janet Jackson showing a tit was suspicious from the get-go. At first I thought 'wow a surprise boob appearance - nice'. But after rewinding it several times on the Tivo I saw what appeared to be a planned event. That dude intentionally ripped the piece of her shirt. It was all part of the 'shock' value of today's music culture. It was not spontaneous and was an integral piece of the atmosphere they were trying to create with that particular song. A nice tit shot - yes - but too relevant to the act. Doesn't make my list.

Men - look around tomorrow and imagine the females you encounter showing tit for no reason what-so-ever.
Women - walk around tomorrow showing tit for no reason what-so-ever.

I'm just trying to make the world a better place.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Taunted by the Weatherman

There I was sitting quietly in my oversized leather chair enjoying a weekly crime drama. At the cut to commercial I am assaulted by the weatherman. He stands there clad in his fancy suit, smiling his white Crest NightStrip smile, poised at the 'weather desk' as if he's about to divulge the secrets of life. He stares directly at me and says "pleasant temperatures today, but will they stick around? Watch News at 11 to find out!"
Why does he tempt me so? Why must he give me the hope of a forecast, the dream of atmospheric intelligence, only to have me wait... To wait.... To wait. I was going to delve into a good book or spend extra time with my family - but how can I? If I don't tune it at the prescribed time I will miss this genius' prognostications.

at least this is how he wants me to feel.

I know better. I know he's an overpaid technician who's reasonably good looking enough to be put on the screen. He's no Einstein of meteorology. I can hop on the computer, go to www.weather.com, and instantly have an adequate 10 day forecast for my neighborhood. I don't need this schmuck at all. Yet, there he is.... Standing tall before the camera.. Our beloved 'local' weather expert. Balderdash. And why the fancy suit? When a US Army General stands for a press conference at the Pentagon he's wearing Camo or a uniform. This 'weatherman' should be dressed the part - wear some yellow rain gear or a heavy duty snow suit.
And stop that standing in front of the blue screen stuff. It was impressive back in the 80's but he's just standing right over the spot I'm trying to see. Wow... He sure can pronounce all those town names around the country. He must be well traveled.
Talk about baiting us on. He says tune it at 11 for this weeks forecast. You ever try that? You tune in at 11 and you gotta sit through 22 minutes of 'news' before you get to the weather. But every 5 minutes or so he'll pop back up to say "your forecast... Coming right up".... Bullshit.
Then when he finally gets down to business he draws it out like it's some kind of battle plan.
Try this at home: say "today's high was 65, the low was 45. Tomorrow's about the same. It will get a little colder in a couple of days and might rain some Thursday." That's all you need. It takes, what, 15-20 seconds to give me a forecast. Maybe a minute if you get into more detail. What is so inherently difficult about conveying the weather that it takes so long and so much technology? Why can't he do that during the commercials. I would hate him a little less if he did.
Bob Dylan once wrote "you don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows."

Damn straight Bob. Fire those hackjobs!

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Todays issues.

Monday: This should be the accepted first day of the week. Why isn't it? The vast majority of work weeks start Monday. God supposedly 'rested' on the 7th day, Sabbath or Sunday. Who decided to make the Judeo-Christian 7th day the 1st day? Why should we have one day off at the beginning of the week and one day of at the end. I say this is hogwash - the week starts monday and there are two days off at the end. Please inform everyone you know that we will no longer be following the Westernized weekly calendar.

Pet Peeves: How come nobody ever just has peeves. They certainly never declare something a peeve, do they? "Look he's picking his nose at the dinner table". "aw, that's one of my peeves. I wish he'd stop that." Most people claim to have a Pet Peeve. Next time ask them for a detailed list of their peeves and a dissertation on how one such peeve rose above all others to become their Pet Peeve. When they think about it they'll realize there are many more things in life which would be more peevish than that.

TV Commercials for televisions: Am I the only one who takes offense at someone telling me how good the picture looks on the TV they're playing a commercial for when I am viewing it on my TV? Do they think I'm stupid? Well, actually, yes they do. Marketers use the 'lowest common denominator' approach to targeting their advertising. It works like this- 1/2 the people in this country (like most others) are below average in intelligence. So they make commercials targeting the 50% benchmark. Well it's not working on me. I know damn well that the LCD High Definition screen you're showing me in your commercial looks just as good as my TV when I watch it on my TV, so back off.

Fries: At what point did french fries become the main side dish for everything at a restaurant? Last night, at a reasonably fancy restaurant, I ordered a nice broiled Tuna with lemon butter sauce topped with lump crab meat and lobster. You guessed it - a whopping side of fries came with it. FRIES. I order a well prepared, gourmet seafood dish and there beside it lay 35 cents worth of sliced potato. Look at every menu you see. Fries are the main side dish. Can't say I blame the restaurants. Fries are cheap and universally liked. But I, for one, am sick to death of them. I will not eat another fry this season - you will no longer dictate my side dishes. And while I'm at it - were do these restaurants get off charging $5.99 for a grilled cheese sandwich?

Fat guy with a hot wife: There are reasons I don't watch a lot of prime-time sit coms. Mostly because I find their middle-class, semi-safe humor to be repetitive. But lately I've noticed a pattern. Almost all of them are centered around a husband-wife duo. Raymond, King of Queens, Yes Dear, Belushi's show, Grounded for life, George lopez, Bernie Mac, etc... Look closely and tell me what you see. They all have a fat and/or unattractive guy married to a reasonably hot, thin woman. ALL of them. Fat guys. Is there a weight minimum for Hollywood nowadays? Sure fat guys are inherently funny but.. come on. You don't often see fat guys with hot wives in reality. You never see a 135 pound dude with a 200 pound wife in a sit com- except for the Jeffersons- but I'm talking about current shows.

Personal tragedies on national news: This one has been buggin me for about a year now. The runaway bride, that chick in Aruba that disappeared, the brain dead woman. How is this national news? People get killed, go missing, and have other such tragedies every freakin day in almost every city. How are they hand picking who is national news worthy and who isn't? I don't give a rats ass. Girl missing... Sad... Next. Brain dead girl getting her plugs pulled....... Sad...Next. How about making a national news story out of a 3 year old that gets shot during a drive by. That happens all the time. Seems much more tragic to me than some psycho bitch running off before her wedding - which, by the way, happens more often than you think.

Sneeze Guards at the buffet: The fact that they exist troubles me. At some point in history the restaurant industry must have been alerted to a problem with people blowing mucus all over the buffet food. When was this? I ate at one the other day with no sneeze guard. While dipping into the food vat I started thinking about sneeze guards. Almost lost my appetite. I don't think the sneeze guards are enough. Most people duck under them anyway. Watch at the buffet as people cough and sneeze into their hands and proceed to grab the serving utensils. Your hand is next, my friend.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Porn Occured to me

Whilst visiting (accidentally, of course) a porn site I thought I recognized a girl on the page. I looked close.... closer....... nope not her. But , damn, she really looks like her. Could it be her? A long shot but it's been 10 years or so since I've seen her ... so... maybe it is her. According to some people who keep up with this sort of shit I found some interesting things.

First off there are over 11,000 porn videos made each year in this country. That really only counts the 'licensed' ones but doesn't include all the others displayed on the web. They are estimated to be 100 times that amount. So that's 111,000 porns per year. I figure that there is an average of 6-8 'stars' in each film ..... crunch crunch ..... so we have about 777,000 people in porns. Well, actually about, oh say 15% are repeats so we'll subtract them out. That leaves around 660,000.

We have roughly 290,000,000 people in the U.S. That means that only .2% (or 1 out of 500) have been filmed while fucking, or a variation thereof. Does that seem like alot to you? I can't decide if I think it is alot or not. If we lined up 500 random people - that's alot of people - I'm sure we'd find 1 who we would not be surprised to find out had been filmed fucking. 660,000 is in the ballpark of the populations of Milwaukee, Columbus, or Jacksonville. Seems like alot of fuckers when you look at that way. When you consider that many of these people don't appear in a porn every year then the numbers would snowball pretty quick. Maybe there's 4,ooo,ooo people alive who've appeared in a porno in the last 20 years. Maybe more. Now thats 14% of us - 2 out of 15. Wow.. Tomorrow I may shake hands with someone who's been in a porn. Just in case I'll carry some anitbacterial stuff around.