Buckminster Skeeter: Wanna buy a watch?

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Toilet Paper

Seeing as how this is my 8th day (of the last 10) in a hotel room it's time to address toilet paper. My a-hole is starting to get disgruntled with this cheap, gritty, industrial version of sanitary paper. I started looking on the web for a scale of toilet paper grades so I could label this anal scourge. Based on the information provided by paperontheweb.com I have decided it is an industrial, course, bleached paperboard of approximately 140 g/m2. I went from there to a site informing me of the history of toilet paper.

Of note is that the first mass produced version didn't appear until the 1300's. How did it take human beings so long to invent a clean, comfortable way to wipe an ass? Why wasn't that on the top of someone's priority list during the previous 5,ooo years of civilization.

Here's some highlights from toiletpaperworld.com:

"*China…AD 1391 - The Bureau of Imperial Supplies began producing 720,000 sheets of toilet paper a year, each sheet measuring two feet by three feet. For use by the Emperors. "

Now I have no advanced mathematicall degree, but by my calculations a single Emperor will take about 520 shits per year. If he uses 1 sheets per squat he'd average about 520 sheets per year. So why produce 720,000? The Emperors entire extended family could partake and still not make a dent in the supply. 2 feet by 3 feet!? How do you wipe your ass with 6 square feet of paper? I've never fully understood chinamen.

"*USA…1857 - New Yorker Joseph C. Gayetty produced the first packaged bathroom tissue in the United States in 1857. The Gayetty Firm from New Jersey produced the first toilet paper named "The Therapeutic Paper". It contained an abundance of aloe, a curative addition. The company sold it in packs of 500 sheets for fifty cents, and Joseph Gayetty had his name printed on each sheet! "

Great. Enterprising man. Ahead of his time in lotion additives. But why have your name on a piece of paper destined to be covered in shit. I don't want my name covered in shit - mud, on occasion- but not shit.

"*USA…1890 - The Scott Paper Company is the first company to manufacture tissue on a roll, specifically for the use of toilet paper."

The brothers E. Irvin and Clarence Scott are responsible for all the toilet paper in the world being on a roll. I did a few dry runs and determined that when using a roll most people will use two hands in the process. It's usually needed to hold the roll as you tear off the sheets. Of course, you can try the quick tug but that usually ends up streaming paper out when you don't get a clean tear. If there was a mechanism that dispensed single sheets, maybe 6in X 6in, you'd need only one hand and wouldn't have to touch the roll that someone else, with a shitty hand, may have soiled. Luckily there is a facial tissue dispenser on the side of the bathroom vanity here in the hotel. I've recently begun using it instead of the roll and I gotta teyah ya, it sure is convenient.

Oh, and thank your maker we didn't adopt the Roman way - wealthy Romans used wool and rosewater and sponges soaked in salt water at the end of a stick. How'd you like to look down and see that in a public stall?


Blogger mugwump said...

If I had eight nights to myself in a hotel room, writing about toilet paper would be the last thing on my agenda - porn would surely be the first.

4:18 AM  
Blogger mugwump said...

If I had nine nights to myself in a hotel room, the last thing I would be doing would be sampling blog templates. However, I do prefer your original template choice over the black and white.

4:18 AM  
Blogger Buckminster Skeeter said...

I couldn't read the white text on black very well. I must be getting old.

4:25 AM  
Blogger mugwump said...

Nah, you aren't getting old, I couldn't read the entry very well, either and I was blessed with 20/20 vision. That kind of makes up for my freckles, I guess. I can only imagine the names I'd been called in school with red hair, freckles AND glasses. "Spotty body" was bad enough!

9:23 AM  
Blogger Dr. Metal said...

I learned from your pain. I just spend 8 nights in a motel. On night #1 I went to the pharmacy to buy some soft TP. The best dollar I ever spent.

11:17 AM  

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