Buckminster Skeeter: Wanna buy a watch?

Tuesday, April 25, 2006


For some reason I've been noticing certain words lately - the ones which describe objects or things but also are used as adjectives or verbs attributed to the very thing with which they share the name. Like an orange(the fruit) is orange(the color). I start wondering which was named first. Rain is water falling and when it falls it rains. The noun and verb are the same - this holds true for all precipitation: sleet, snow and hail. Seems strange. You drink a drink but you don't eat eats. You can drink water. You can also water with water. But you can't 'any other liquid' with many 'any other liquids'. You can grease with grease but it's not really a liquid, or is it? I fish for fish a lot but I can also fish for shark. I hammer with a hammer, saw with a saw, vacuum with a vacuum, and chisel with a chisel. Seems like a lot of tools share the noun verb relationship. At some point they (?) decided it was easier just to stick and 'er' on the end of a verb to describe the noun: compute-computer, grind-grinder, mow-mower, pressure wash-pressure washer, etc... I can hike (verb) or go on a hike(noun), camp in a camp, bike on a bike, skateboard on a skateboard, or skate on a skate (2 actually, maybe that doesn't count). I cannot guitar my guitar but I can drum on a drum. I couldn't pencil with a pencil so I decided to pen with a pen.

The non-uniformity of the English language gives me a headache. It's amazing that foreigners can pick up on it. Most languages, at least the romance languages, have simple rules for conjugating verbs and rarely, if ever, does a verb and a noun share the same word. Did English evolve from lazy wordsmiths?

To make matters worse we tend to verbalize nouns. This is a peeve of mine and I refuse to employ this kind of language. I will never summer at the beach, boat on a sunny afternoon, or dialogue with my colleagues.

Then again it may be fun and slightly irritating to my peers if I over do it a bit. Tomorrow I will do my best to only use nouns to describe actions. Perhaps I will newspaper while comoding, car over to Applebees and food, chair in my office and paperwork until I conference room with my staff. I will tell them to job better and try to paycheck them accordingly. If they don't like it they can lips my ass. If it's not to hot when I home I may grass. My wife will dinner then we will bathtub that kids, mattress them, then television for a few hours.

Why not? People get away with all kinds of bullshit language - but people usually see it as being unique rather than annoying. Bling Bling, blah blah, make up your own definitions and people may just start emulating you. Especially if your on Mtv. Or in the corporate environment. They make up shit all the time to make things sound more important or to shroud the truth of incompetence and failure.

Friday, April 14, 2006

The Meek shall inherit whatever is left over

The other day I had a long lay over in an airport - about 4 hours. It took the time to observe some human behavior and social skills. What I've concluded is that people are constantly making decisions on whether or not to have confrontations with others. I stood near the news stand and watched the people in line. Some jackoff in a suit cut in line (he was looking like he was frazzled - in a hurry - very important). The 3 people behind him had obvious displeasure on their faces. They glanced at each other as if to say "what a jerk - we should say something - why don't you say something - I'm not going to say anything - but someone should say something - what a jerk". Of course, no one says anything and the guy goes about his merry way.

These people made some sort of decision, whether consciously or unconsciously, to avoid confrontation. Why? I could understand if he was a 6 1/2 foot dude, wearing full leather, with a menacing burly beard. Then he may look dangerous; he may get mad and hurt me if I confront him. But this guy was a little weasely business geek. But still, no one uttered a word.

I observed this behavior all over the airport. People stop in the middle of the terminal and start fuckin' with their cell phones or baggage. Meanwhile the 100's of travelers trying to walk (some of them hurriedly) down the terminal have to avoid running into them. They are getting in the way - oblivious to how they are inconveniencing others. Yet no one yells "get the fuck out of the way" or even a polite "excuse me, you're blocking the walkway." Why? What is there about confrontation - on any level - that we fear so much.

Everyone knows a person or so that are the exact opposite of these meek people. I have a brother that will say just about anything to anyone. Someone cuts in line: "What the fuck do you think you're doing? Get your ass to the back of the line." He rarely gets into a physical fight with anyone - but he never has to. He, and others like him, know that people are non-confrontational and will avoid it at all costs. He's no great street brawler. He's not very big. But when he confronts people who are out of line they rarely put up much of a hassle. He knows that and confronts out-of-liners without fear of repercussion.

Unfortunately most out-of-liners know how meek people are also. They don't particularly want to fight anyone either but they know they will not have to. They know that If they stop in the middle of the terminal and inconvenience 100 people no one will say anything. They are taking advantage of our meekness. Do they do this consciously or is this some sort of learned, automatic behavior?

I'm somewhere in the middle. I'm not afraid to confront people but before I do I give it a lot of thought, planning, and sizing-up. The last thing I want is to get my ass kicked by anyone. I've only been in a half dozen or so fights in my life and none of them were particularly pleasant. So before I say "Excuse me, you just cut in front of me, please take your place at the end of the line" I size them up. Use a little remote psychoanalysis and observation to get a read on their behavior, temperament, and size. If I feel the threat level is low I usually say something in these situations. Nothing rude or confrontation provoking like "Hey Fuck-face, get your redneck ass back in line before I whoop your tail". That would be inviting a beating of some sort. But It's nice to use a little wit, smile, and eye contact to get people to not be such inconveniencers.

People turn the other cheek everyday, in every environment. Look around the school, mall, office, etc.. and watch as people hold back what they really want to say.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Sex Currency

My wife usually gets her way. When we get to the point of disagreement on something - be it getting a dog, what color to paint the living room, What trees to plant in the yard, etc - my interest level usually gives out before her will does. If it's not money, sex, fishing, or music I tend to lose passion for my argument and become stoic. She knows this and hangs in there until I lose interest and then she claims an easy victory. About a year ago I began to use my passions as bargaining chips during our marital negotiations. Whatever the disagreement is about I can leverage my vote in exchange for either fishing time or sex. The money and music are a given and rarely come in to play.

Now don't get me wrong. She generally has no problem giving up the sex and we maintain a healthy sexual relationship. But she also knows how and when to hold back to try to get me to do something. That's what women have known since the dawn of time - the Power of Pussy. She also is great at giving me some free time every now and then to pursue some trout or redfish. But it's not so much the time she uses - it's the guilt of taking the time. But I have managed to negotiate guilt-free personal time as well.

Negotiations usually work like this:
1) She wants me to build 3 (3X3 foot) flower boxes. Several hours of carpentry, manual labor, and landscaping involved. I have no interest in doing this project so I inject some incentive into the mix.
2) I say "I'll do those flower boxes Saturday morning - if I can fish, guilt free, Sunday afternoon from 1 - 6pm.
3) She digests it and comes back with "How about you do 2 flower boxes and fish for 2 hours, guilt free, Saturday afternoon"
4) I say "the tides aren't right Saturday, it has to be Sunday and I need at least 4 hours."
5) she says "hmmm. We were going to take our son to Chucky Cheese's Sunday afternoon (guilt)."
6) I reply "Then I'll fish Saturday morning 7-11am and do the boxes later that afternoon"
7) She says "ok, but I'll need 3 boxes for that."
8) Deal Done!

In this scenario I have to do something I really don't want to do but I get some extra free time for myself - well worth it.

We deal on just about everything nowadays. It makes life much more enjoyable since I love to haggle and she loves to get me to do stuff I don't want to do. Everybody wins.

Here's a proposal I made last night.

1) She wants to buy a fancy wooden playground (swingset) for our backyard.
2) I want our children to have stuff like this but there are many nicer playgrounds within minutes of our home and this one would require assembly - a several hour process. Plus this thing costs about $400 + dollars (even though she claims it's only $300 - I know better). I'd rather spend the $400 on something else - and not just for myself - just something else.
3) I tell her "no way" several times then throw her a deal. "We can get the play set but you gotta have sex with me 2 times a day for 5 days" - my rational is solid - after some research I found out that the average payment for sperm donation at a sperm bank is about $35. So if she wants $400 out of me she has to be my sperm bank. Again, she doesn't object to sex but I have much more of an appetite for it (unhealthy at times) than she does.
4) She kicks it around and comes back with "2 times per day? That's a bit much. How about 1 time per day for 5 days?"
5) I say "No way. 2 times or nothing."
6) She says "fine. Nothing then."
7) Knowing that I have her on the verge of accepting a deal I alter my proposal. "How about 1 time per day - But we do it doggystyle while you yell out "Fuck me Blackbeard! I've been a naughty winch!" - Note: I have no fantasies about being Blackbeard, I just want to throw in a little something she wouldn't want to do.
8) She immediately rejects the idea but compromises with a 3 day regimen of 1 time per day and 2 time the last 2 days.
9) I accept her terms.

See, everybody wins. Plus she is only slightly inconvenienced.

I once made an offer to paint the entire outside of the house if she would dress up like Dorothy from Wizard of Oz, and let me do her in the ass while watching porn and smoking a cigar. She has refused but the paint outside is getting a little chippy - I won't bend on this one as I despise painting. Perhaps after I have snuck outside enough times to chip away at the paint she'll change her mind.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Today's wit and wonder

I have nothing of interest on which to report, comment, or make trivial anecdotes. Since I awoke I have not had one single profound thought or musing. My intellect and capacity for humor have been sucked dry by the tediousness of mundane societal participation. I blame the media, with it's lowest common denominator approach to the commonization of the masses, and the people I come into contact with on a daily basis (family excluded). This is not merely a blog entry to denote the absence of interesting content, but more of a cry for help - to be rescued from a degrading acumen.