Buckminster Skeeter: Wanna buy a watch?

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Sex Currency

My wife usually gets her way. When we get to the point of disagreement on something - be it getting a dog, what color to paint the living room, What trees to plant in the yard, etc - my interest level usually gives out before her will does. If it's not money, sex, fishing, or music I tend to lose passion for my argument and become stoic. She knows this and hangs in there until I lose interest and then she claims an easy victory. About a year ago I began to use my passions as bargaining chips during our marital negotiations. Whatever the disagreement is about I can leverage my vote in exchange for either fishing time or sex. The money and music are a given and rarely come in to play.

Now don't get me wrong. She generally has no problem giving up the sex and we maintain a healthy sexual relationship. But she also knows how and when to hold back to try to get me to do something. That's what women have known since the dawn of time - the Power of Pussy. She also is great at giving me some free time every now and then to pursue some trout or redfish. But it's not so much the time she uses - it's the guilt of taking the time. But I have managed to negotiate guilt-free personal time as well.

Negotiations usually work like this:
1) She wants me to build 3 (3X3 foot) flower boxes. Several hours of carpentry, manual labor, and landscaping involved. I have no interest in doing this project so I inject some incentive into the mix.
2) I say "I'll do those flower boxes Saturday morning - if I can fish, guilt free, Sunday afternoon from 1 - 6pm.
3) She digests it and comes back with "How about you do 2 flower boxes and fish for 2 hours, guilt free, Saturday afternoon"
4) I say "the tides aren't right Saturday, it has to be Sunday and I need at least 4 hours."
5) she says "hmmm. We were going to take our son to Chucky Cheese's Sunday afternoon (guilt)."
6) I reply "Then I'll fish Saturday morning 7-11am and do the boxes later that afternoon"
7) She says "ok, but I'll need 3 boxes for that."
8) Deal Done!

In this scenario I have to do something I really don't want to do but I get some extra free time for myself - well worth it.

We deal on just about everything nowadays. It makes life much more enjoyable since I love to haggle and she loves to get me to do stuff I don't want to do. Everybody wins.

Here's a proposal I made last night.

1) She wants to buy a fancy wooden playground (swingset) for our backyard.
2) I want our children to have stuff like this but there are many nicer playgrounds within minutes of our home and this one would require assembly - a several hour process. Plus this thing costs about $400 + dollars (even though she claims it's only $300 - I know better). I'd rather spend the $400 on something else - and not just for myself - just something else.
3) I tell her "no way" several times then throw her a deal. "We can get the play set but you gotta have sex with me 2 times a day for 5 days" - my rational is solid - after some research I found out that the average payment for sperm donation at a sperm bank is about $35. So if she wants $400 out of me she has to be my sperm bank. Again, she doesn't object to sex but I have much more of an appetite for it (unhealthy at times) than she does.
4) She kicks it around and comes back with "2 times per day? That's a bit much. How about 1 time per day for 5 days?"
5) I say "No way. 2 times or nothing."
6) She says "fine. Nothing then."
7) Knowing that I have her on the verge of accepting a deal I alter my proposal. "How about 1 time per day - But we do it doggystyle while you yell out "Fuck me Blackbeard! I've been a naughty winch!" - Note: I have no fantasies about being Blackbeard, I just want to throw in a little something she wouldn't want to do.
8) She immediately rejects the idea but compromises with a 3 day regimen of 1 time per day and 2 time the last 2 days.
9) I accept her terms.

See, everybody wins. Plus she is only slightly inconvenienced.

I once made an offer to paint the entire outside of the house if she would dress up like Dorothy from Wizard of Oz, and let me do her in the ass while watching porn and smoking a cigar. She has refused but the paint outside is getting a little chippy - I won't bend on this one as I despise painting. Perhaps after I have snuck outside enough times to chip away at the paint she'll change her mind.

1 Comments:

Blogger mugwump said...

Hmmm... holding back sex really works, eh? I'll have to try that. It would punish me too, though. Don't waste the money on the swingset. We bought one for about $500 and it's already falling apart.

5:18 PM  

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