Buckminster Skeeter: Wanna buy a watch?

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Find the point - Win a Peace Sells But Who's Buying painted Mirror

My favorite food lately is chease. That's my new word for the substance that appears on burgers, sandwiches, tacos and such that occurs when cheese and grease combine. It soo good. Then again it will probably kill me. Kill me good. So I went to the gym today to make sure I work off some of that chease and other shit I've thrown down my gullet lately. I'm usually pretty healthy. Well, not really. In shape maybe, but not really healthy. Why would anyone not want to be healthy? Health is a good thing according to most doctors and experts in various fields. Everyone knows this too. Ask anyone if smoking is good for you, health wise. Most people will say "of course not" but they can probably put up a good argument that it is very good for you in the realm of pleasure. Is stamp collecting good for me? Maybe it is if it provides me with some sort of fulfillment or self satisfaction. I wonder why Mick Jagger couldn't get no satisfaction. He had money, girls, drugs, rock-n-roll, and so on. Surely there must have been a time, even a short time, when he got some satisfaction. Earlier today I got some satisfaction. Hopefully tomorrow will bring some my way as well. Speaking of which I completely forgot to do something, but I can't remember what it is. I hate that feeling. There's a part of your brain that's sole purpose is to stash away things you are supposed to do and keep them just 2 neuron clicks always from being found. Every few moments it will send out a little teaser thought that 'hey, I think I remember what it is I'm forgetting' - then it's gone. A tease. An evil brain process put there by our creator to remind us that we ain't all that and a bag of chips. I pity the person who came up with that phrase. Is life so dull and unfulfilling for them that somehow a bag of chips, when added to their sum being, creates the pinnacle of humanity? How about all that and the ability to shit gold. I'd rather be that than a bag of chips. I'd even settle for all that and new Penn 4400 Gold Series reel to replace the one the rusted because I forgot to rinse it with clean water this weekend after fishing in salt water. Oh yeah, that's what I forgot. Son of a Bitch. The neuron slipped and let loose it's prize. I'll just take this as a minor victory. Man vs. Neural synapses. Man 1, neural synapses 140,324,545,222,069,111. I plan on being even by September 16th, 2056. That's the day I have selected to die. It'll make me 84. By then I will have done all the things I need to in this world. Leave a genetic slug trail, see Tienenman Square, and take a shit in an igloo. What do Eskimos wipe their asses with anyway. That's something I need to know. Maybe they use seal skins. That's why all those seals get clubbed - it's not really for luxury furs - it's Eskimo Charmin. How is it that every Eskimo, when they reach a reasonable age, doesn't say - "Fuck this cold shit man, I'm going to the city and getting a job at Burger King."? I guess they are proud of their ancestry. They have that right, you know. Back off the Eskimos, they're good people. I think. I don't know shit about Eskimos come to think of it. I'd probably like them folks. I enjoy fishing and using spears of various construct. Maybe they can teach me how to skin a Polar Bear. Which, by the way, is purportedly a messy business. I wouldn't do it in a fancy city suit. My suits are of very nice quality and fit me well. Yet I cannot help but feel like a greedy prick every time I don one. There's something about a suit that I have never liked - maybe it was the popularity of the epithet "suit" back in the day to describe all those suited government and business guys who didn't fit my mold of "fuck the man, anarchy, and blah blah blah". But then again that's when I was a dumb fuck teenager. Now I am the suit, I am the man. I shall have to protest myself.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Bloggable/Commentable Word Game

Out of sheer bordom I decided to see if I could start a word game thread here.

It's easy:

I give 3 words. There is 1 word associated with all 3 - can fall either before or after the orignial 3 words. You have to guess what that word is. First person to give answer also gives their own 3 words clue.

Like This:
coast, security, shin

you answer:
coast guard, security guard, shin guard

then give your 3:
bells, key, choir

church bells, church key, church choir

so forth.

Since the 1 word answer can fall before or after it may look like this:

dog, security, coast

answer: guard dog, security guard, coast guard

(easy one)
chain, hate, box

The Obese

So much media time has been spent on the rising problem of obesity in America. So much time. I've seen everything from claiming genetics cause it to people trying to sue McDonald's for producing unhealthy food. I never really thought to much about it until my brother called me the other day and unleashed one hell of a rant about it. My brother rants like few people on this planet. When he gets all worked up his voice rises, the veins in his head throb, spittle flies from his mouth like Bill Cower chewing out a side line judge who made an obviously bad call, he takes an aggressive finger pointing posture like a coked up trial lawyer grilling a lying witness. He was ranting to me on the phone but I could still feel his body language. To set this up you have to understand that he rarely wants anything from anybody. About a month ago he hurts his back very badly. It was one of those things that happen to men when they've been working hard manual labor most of their lives then they hit a certain age and the discs in their spine decide to start shifting around. Maybe a pinched nerve, slipped disc or the likes. The rant went something like this:

" I went down to the Wal-Mart this morning. I was barely able to push the pedals on the car to get there - when I did it took me about 10 minutes to walk from the parking lot to the door. When I got in there I asked the greeter if I could get one of those scooter things because I was seriously injured. He tells me that they are all out. Meanwhile I can look around and see at least 3 of them scooting by with some behemoth, whale looking women on them. These were the kind of people who are morbidly obese and yet you see them at the Pizza Hut buffet piling 12 pieces of pizza on their plates. I said 'look fella you got all your scooters, which are supposedly meant for people with disabilities, and there's nothing but overweight people using them.' He told me that obesity is a disability. I about lost it. I started in on him 'why the hell should these doughnut eating slobs get all the hand-holding in here when I have a legitimate problem which prevents me from walking your isles, to buy your merchandise? These fat asses can walk. They walked from the car to the store didn't they? I bet it didn't take them 10 minutes like it did me. Look at them. That lady has nothing but shit piled in her little grocery basket. Does it look like she gives a damn that she's overweight? Should I do some jumping jacks to see if I can worsen my condition? Then will you give me a fuckin' cart?' (to Bucky) this just pisses me off - I hope one of those lard butts has a heart attack right there on isle 9 and careens into a stack of Bush's Baked Beans."

It took me a few minutes to stop laughing and I applauded my brother for using such visual word-pictures. That's the way to rant.

But it made me think about obesity. Even with all the talk about it being a 'genetic' disorder I don't really buy it. I know these simple truths - If you take in a high volume of calories (especially from fat and sugars) you will be overweight - your degree of obesity is directly proportional to this volume and the amount of physical exercise you undertake. Sure some people are genetically predisposed to packing on the weight - all those 'big boned' people we all knew - but there is a limit where genetics stop and sensibility begins. I believe that society has attempted to make excuses for obesity.

And suing fast food chains is just completely absurd. How can it possibly be the fault of McDonald's that someone eats there 7 times per week and puts down 3 Big Macs with each trip? Are they at fault for making tasty food? Should Mars Co. Be put out of business because they make chocolate candies? Should the makers of Beenie Weinees and Twinkees be held liable for someone who eats them a box per sitting? I think not. It pisses me off that my tax dollars are wasted when our courts are burdened with such nonsense.

I've known several people who were fat. They took some responsibility, exercised some self control, and worked their asses off to shed the weight. A lot of weight. It can be done. Just because some lazy shithead wants to sit on a couch all day eating buckets of KFC and Klondike bars doesn't make it a disease. I don't care what the 'scientists' say. Have a little self respect and wipe that cream filling off your third chin.

I ran across the website for the American Obesity Association - the 'Leading Organization for Advocacy and Education on Obesity'. I was going to peruse the website and try to become educated on the issue but I decided otherwise - the first item under 'News' reads: "Lifespan may be cut short by obesity." How fucking profound! How many scientists and researchers did they employee to reach this ground breaking conclusion? What reasonably educated person doesn't know that being a mammoth will increase your chances for dozens of diseases, conditions, and health problems. Has anyone ever seen a 300+ pound person over the age of 75? I haven't. Take a trip up to the local old folks home and take a random weight sample. There's nary a fat one to be found. Needless to say I assumed the rest of the site was filled with other such fluff and decided to look elsewhere for material.

I found several sites, articles, and essays on what I believe is the real culprit - it's a scam. Politicians, big business, pharmaceutical companies, and activists want everyone to think there's an epidemic. Most of the 'overweight' people they cite are just barely over the 'accepted' ratio of weight to height. For example - I am 6' 1''. If I weighed 230 pounds my BMI (Body Mass Index) would be a 30 - the defining line for 'obesity'. I am well under at 185 - but 230 would certainly be heavy - fat even - but nothing like the 300+ pounders people think of when you say "obese". I've hit 205 once in my life. I looked bigger - okay, kinda chubby, but an extra 25 pounds would make a huge difference - nothing like the difference of an extra 100 pounds. Not to mention the fact that alot of guys have above average muscle mass. Muscle weighs more than fat - for any guy who works out on a regular basis weighing above average would certainly NOT be an indicator of obesity. If I worked out hard over the last 5 years I may weigh around 220 - it'd be all lean muscle but I'd be classified by a BMI which says I'm 'overweight'. Do you think a 245 pound linebacker would be 'obese' or even 'overweight'? I think not. So for the most part the studies lump in 'fat' people and 'built' people with 'seriously, morbidly obese people'. That way they can make it sound like some sort of raging epidemic and therefore boost the sales of diet aids, drugs, various organizations, and help give the government one more thing to try and take control of in your life.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Vulgarity, Friendship, and Children

For some strange reason guy friends have the tendency to address each other with insults. Dr. Metal and I have this running thing now for years where we try to come up with new epithets. Somehow it provides me a level of comfort, like 'yeah, we're still tight friends' when he uses 'Ankle Grabber' to greet me on the phone. I mean, you can't address people you hardly know this way. You can't say "Thanks, Cunt Boy" to the kid at the Burger King drive through - well, I guess you could but that would only be rude. Sometimes guys will address semi-good friends with an insult, but not so much a vulgar, obscene knickname. We may say "hey loser", "Not you again", or something like that. There are levels of friendship and the level of obscenity of the greeting raises with each.I keep my ears open at all times for a new vulgar term to use in a later conversation in Dr. Metal. My wife hears me start these conversations and always gives me the same 'grow up you vulgar, immature mongrel' look when I say "Hey Hershey Dick, give me call"

Women, so far as I can tell, do not partake in such fun-poking. The best they have come up with is "hey bitch". It is far too common and un-original. I want to hear a woman pass another in a mall and say "hey, Cum Gargler, how are the kids." Or "Hey Pussy Lip, I like those shoes!". Women, in general, are much more sophisticated and proper when it comes to social etiquette.

But to piggyback on a post by Mugwump - My son picks up on this every now and then. While talking about Dr. Metal (not even to him - mind you) with my wife I referred to him as "Donkey Balls". My son was within earshot and for whatever reason he thought the words "Donkey Balls" were hysterical. He laughed and repeated it for hours. The next day he used the term to refer to his goober after getting out of the tub (because I had explained the meaning earlier in the day - you know, to educate the lad) - it was great. I try hard to watch what I say around the kids but it's hard because I have a filthy mouth. I don't mean to be vulgar. I don't intentionally imply anything obscene or foul with my choices - it's just the way I talk. My wife always says "watch your mouth", "Don't say that", "He can hear you" etc.... I can't help it. It's ingrained in my brain.

I had a minor debate about vulgarity with my super religious neighbor. This guy is one of the best people I've ever known and I go out of my way to be proper around him but every now and then something will slip out. Nothing huge, just a "shit", "damn", "sucks" etc.. I was explaining to him that I fell the use of these words has become so common that any real, direct implications of vulgarity are really lost from them and the speaker is no less civilized than the next. He disagreed and quoted a bible verse of some sort. I reminded him that most obscenities used today did not exist at the time and the 'vulgarity' that the verses referred to were ones of context and meaning - not literal language. He disagreed again - saying they were one and the same. I let it go at that and apologized. Sometimes I do that. Sometimes.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Getting old

Back when I was in my teens and early 20's I could hardly imagine what it would be like to be in my 30's. I've been doing a lot of thinking about age since my birthday a few days ago. In heart and mind I will always be a crazy teenager (minus the maturity you have to accept due to family and responsibility) but my body ain't what it used to be.

Don't get me wrong - I am still in fairly good shape. I'm 6'1'' and weigh between 180-190 pounds on average. I go to the gym fairly regularly to keep the spare tire at an acceptable level and I partake in sporting activities whenever possible.

But it's getting to the point where body parts start hurting and aching on a regular basis. Sometimes it's for no apparent reason - I wake up with a sore back, get leg cramps in the middle of the day, develop weird stuff like ganglion cysts in my wrist, and so on. This makes me feel old! And I'm only 34. What do my 40's and 50's have in store for me? Is my body failing? I guess they all do - once you reach the pinnacle of human growth and health you start declining - in most people this is around late 20's. This sucks.

2 weeks ago I was taking the plate for my first at bat of the night on my church softball league. I am the 2nd youngest guy on the team. I had warmed up and stretched enough - so I thought. I took a good hard swing and felt pain - burning, snapping, sudden pain from my balls, groin, and hip. I hobbled as best as I could to first base. The pain was so intense I could hardly breath. At best guess I had torn my adductor (leg/groin muscle), damaged the ligaments between the thigh and groin, pulled 'something' in my left nut, and pinched a nerve in my left sacro iliac (sp?) joint. I could barely walk to the car. A week of pain followed - I bandaged, iced, heated, and stretch my aching parts trying to re-coop for the next game. By the next Thursday I felt better - but not at all good. I played anyway. Big mistake. Everything came out hurting again. So I decided to go to the doctor to make sure I didn't do too much damage. He confirmed my suspicions - torn muscles and pinched nerve. The left ball problem seemed more problematic than I anticipated - partly damaged scrotal muscles (yes me have thin muscles in our balls - this is what raises and lowers them to maintain heat) and an infection in the epididimus. "Infection?" I asked. "Yes" he says. Epididimitis can be cause by a variety of things - including STD's. OH SHIT!!!!!!!! But a urine test cleared me of that - Thank the heavens. I don't screw around so I wasn't real sure how I was gonna explain that one. Anyways, the infection has cleared up, the groin muscles have improved and I went 5 for 7 tonight with 3 mega bombs to the right/center field fence to show for it. I still couldn't run full speed on the bases as the scrotal muscles were still hurting badly. That's the embarrassing part - being the 2nd youngest guy on the team I should be running circles around the old men. They have their own issues, of course; bad knees, rotator cuff problems, weak throwing arms, and lack of speed - but I still feel I should be in the best shape.

Perhaps another week of rest and rehab will do it. 10 years ago my body could handle much more abuse. I don't think young people (myself included at the time) fully realize the aging process they will soon be in the midst of.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Pear Apples?

An actual conversation I had today at a small, country food mart.

Bucky: hi
person: hay ya
Bucky: Can I get a can of Kodiak and 2 of those apples
person: you want one dem red ones or green ones
Bucky: Well, the green ones are pears
person: you want a pear apple (picks it up)
Bucky: no, no,... that is a pear, not an apple
person: a pear ain't an apple
Bucky: no, it's a pear
person: well (looking quite confused), what's it taste like if it ain't an apple
Bucky: probably like a pear....(pause)....(pause).... why don't you bite one a try it
person: no, I don't like no pears (grabs an apple and places it on the counter).... that'll be 55 cents.
Bucky: can of Kodiak
person: (hands me a can of Skoal - wintergreen)
Bucky: this is a can of Skoal, can I get some Kodiak
person: sorry, I thought you said Skoal

This conversation (which I swear is true) amazes me on several levels.

1 - How can anyone be this ignorant? I know people don't know some things but how can any teenage human being not know what a pear is? Was she screwing with me? Could she actually have survived her (maybe) 18 years and not have come in contact with a pear. My 2 1/2 year old knows all his fruits - and loves most of them.

2 - How did she get a job? What does this say about the person who hired her? I could understand if this is one of those mentally impaired person friendly business's who try to give them a break in the world. I am fully in favor of those businesses - I think everyone should have opportunity and be shown fairness, love and compassion on all levels. But at those type places there is usually a non-impaired person there to supervise.

3 - What does this say about the average intellect of our countrymen? I meet people everyday who I consider to be smarter and some who are vastly dumber than myself. How many of these non-pear familiar people are there? I have people in my extended family who aren;t all that bright but they would instantly recognize a pear and would probably hand me a can of Kodiak when I clearly say "Kodiak" instead of Skoal.

After this encounter I have decided to seek out the less intelligent whenever possible. I will keenly observe the people around me, approach, and engage them in conversation. Maybe throw in a low-level complex word and watch their facial expressions - like cumulus, fortitude, jocular, or insidious. If they are perplexed I knock it down a notch: perhaps ask them for a calculation of the current state of temporal displacement caused by the movement of matter through space. If they don't look at their watch I will ask them if they have 2 fives change for a 2 dollar bill. Most people will catch me on this one as money transactions are learned at a young age - even if they don't understand the mathematics of division. Perhaps I can offer them my 2 dollar bill if they can name 25 states of the Union. Most people should be able to do this... Right. Then I'll kick it down a few more notches and hold out 3 gumballs and tell them to pick the red one. If they pick the right one I'll let them have it and go away with a semi-scientific measurement of their mental capacity. Maybe I'll get their names and make a list: dumb, kinda dumb, and average.