Buckminster Skeeter: Wanna buy a watch?

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Pear Apples?

An actual conversation I had today at a small, country food mart.

Bucky: hi
person: hay ya
Bucky: Can I get a can of Kodiak and 2 of those apples
person: you want one dem red ones or green ones
Bucky: Well, the green ones are pears
person: you want a pear apple (picks it up)
Bucky: no, no,... that is a pear, not an apple
person: a pear ain't an apple
Bucky: no, it's a pear
person: well (looking quite confused), what's it taste like if it ain't an apple
Bucky: probably like a pear....(pause)....(pause).... why don't you bite one a try it
person: no, I don't like no pears (grabs an apple and places it on the counter).... that'll be 55 cents.
Bucky: can of Kodiak
person: (hands me a can of Skoal - wintergreen)
Bucky: this is a can of Skoal, can I get some Kodiak
person: sorry, I thought you said Skoal

This conversation (which I swear is true) amazes me on several levels.

1 - How can anyone be this ignorant? I know people don't know some things but how can any teenage human being not know what a pear is? Was she screwing with me? Could she actually have survived her (maybe) 18 years and not have come in contact with a pear. My 2 1/2 year old knows all his fruits - and loves most of them.

2 - How did she get a job? What does this say about the person who hired her? I could understand if this is one of those mentally impaired person friendly business's who try to give them a break in the world. I am fully in favor of those businesses - I think everyone should have opportunity and be shown fairness, love and compassion on all levels. But at those type places there is usually a non-impaired person there to supervise.

3 - What does this say about the average intellect of our countrymen? I meet people everyday who I consider to be smarter and some who are vastly dumber than myself. How many of these non-pear familiar people are there? I have people in my extended family who aren;t all that bright but they would instantly recognize a pear and would probably hand me a can of Kodiak when I clearly say "Kodiak" instead of Skoal.

After this encounter I have decided to seek out the less intelligent whenever possible. I will keenly observe the people around me, approach, and engage them in conversation. Maybe throw in a low-level complex word and watch their facial expressions - like cumulus, fortitude, jocular, or insidious. If they are perplexed I knock it down a notch: perhaps ask them for a calculation of the current state of temporal displacement caused by the movement of matter through space. If they don't look at their watch I will ask them if they have 2 fives change for a 2 dollar bill. Most people will catch me on this one as money transactions are learned at a young age - even if they don't understand the mathematics of division. Perhaps I can offer them my 2 dollar bill if they can name 25 states of the Union. Most people should be able to do this... Right. Then I'll kick it down a few more notches and hold out 3 gumballs and tell them to pick the red one. If they pick the right one I'll let them have it and go away with a semi-scientific measurement of their mental capacity. Maybe I'll get their names and make a list: dumb, kinda dumb, and average.


Blogger mugwump said...

This story is amusing and worth further discussion.... when I can get past the word Kodiac. Bucky, chewing tobacco is just friggin' gross. There are many things females cannot stomach that I can - but "dipping" is not one of them. Absolutely disgusting; you might as well smoke cigarretes if you're going to chew tobacco. This would probably be the only reason I would be glad that I am no longer allowed to kiss you. I could get past the beer taste that was never absent from your lips - but not Kodiac. Interestingly enough, I have tried Skoal. My cousin dipped when he was a teenager and got me to try it once. That is how I know it's gross.

5:19 AM  
Blogger Buckminster Skeeter said...

I enjoy all manifestations of the tobacco plant.

By the way - no bullshit - one of the hottest girls I ever dated chewed tobacco - you never would have guessed in a million years.

8:28 AM  
Blogger mugwump said...

Yeah, you'd have never guessed until she opened her mouth and you had full view of the missing teeth and gum sores. I don't even know Dr. Metal, but I doubt he would have gone for such a lass ; hot body or not. He just seems less crass, if you will. (And yes, this is a pathetic attempt to get Dr. Metal to respond. Come on, I'm jonesin' for your input. I thought you'd set me straight on Grelling's paradox, but no go. I must have scared the bejeebers out of you with the angel story, huh? I don't think you've written a word to me since.)

10:05 AM  
Blogger mugwump said...

Oh, I forgot to write that I have another entry I want you to read. I promise I won't delete anything whatsoever since it annoys you so. (And you often cite others as being an easy target.)

11:38 AM  
Blogger Dr. Metal said...

There's been no time in poor Dr. Metal's schedule for much of anything. The spring time at school is brutal. I had meeting EVERY night last week. No joke.

Monday Night. What shall I do? Meeting.

Tuesday Night. What shall I do? Dorm Duty.

Wednesday Night. What shall I do? Meeting.

Thursday Night. What shall I do?
How about a meeting.

Friday Night. What, oh what, shall I do? How about dorm duty?

All of this until last night. In bed asleep at 9:30. All of that mental energy leaves me little of anything else. I have some thoughts upcoming--on "Flow" and such--but no time to write. I'll be back come June. In the meantime, I'll go check out your blog.

Oh, and dip is pretty disgusting. But if her body were hot enough . . .

6:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice! Where you get this guestbook? I want the same script.. Awesome content. thankyou.

9:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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5:55 PM  

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