Buckminster Skeeter: Wanna buy a watch?

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Some metal quotes I find thought provoking

1) "It's not how it looks unless you saw nothing" - Every Time I Die, Apocalypse Now and Then

2) "Quarter Pounder, Big Mac, Fillet 'O Fish and fries.... it doesn't matter what you order, everybody dies." - Coven, McDonaldland Massacre

3) "I'll just have wheat thins and beer. If I get sick, the toilet is near" - S.O.D., Milk

4) "Read, what is written on the silent mouth. What is written in the soul. For which is written in the shining silence...We all have to read" - In Flames, Embody the Invisible

5) "Suckled at the teat of the she-wolf..... I was born by the light of the gibbous moon" - Angel Corpse, WolfLust

6) "Someone's sitting in a field, Never giving yield. Sitting there with gleaming eyes, Wating for big pumpkin to arise." - Helloween, Halloween

7) "Over the river and through the woods to Grandma's House of Babes" - Scatterbrain, Grandma's House of Babes

8) "Bloody hypertrophy of papillae.. spewing urethritis like urticaria... Septicaemia filled dermis... scorched by acidic uric nocturia." Carcass, Manifestation On Verrucose Urethra

9) "You got the beer - We've got the time. You got the coke - Gimme a line!" - Tankard, Alcohol

10) "Alcohol and sluts, Pull me from my ruts ,Second only to the attraction." Overkill, Use Your Head

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Dennis Moore


Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore Galloping through the sward
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore And his horse Concorde
He steals from the rich And gives to the poor
Mr. Moore, Mr. Moore, Mr. Moore.

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore Riding through the night
Soon every lupin in the land Will be in his mighty hand
He steals them from the rich And gives them to the poor
Mr. Moore, Lupin donor, Extraordinary.

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore Dum dum dum the night
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore Dum de dum dum plight
He steals dum dum dum And dum dum dum dee
Dennis dum, Dennis dee, dum dum dum.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Winding Down from a Metal Show

Here's the problem: 20 beers, 1 shot of Wild Turkey, and 1/2 a party favor make for a blurry night. As I think back on the Slayer, LOG, Mastodon, COB show on Saturday night it's like trying to remember a movie that was watched on fast forward. I can clearly remember several things about the show. I hardly remember most things about it. It's not that I was "blackout" kind of wasted either. I remember the entire timeline just not the specifics. I keep getting little pictures in my head of things that must have happened but I don't really recall. What bothers me is that there seem to be some memories which I recall, but I'm positive that they did not happen. For instance, I seemingly remember Slayer playing In A Gadda Da Vida. They did not play it - yet there's a piece of my brain which tells me they did. Then again I know (from the set list) that they played Seasons in the Abyss - but I don't remember a single note of it. Perhaps that was while I was in line for a beer or in the bathroom pressing a cold compress to my bleeding head - from a pit wound. That's another thing I have little recollection of - getting whacked in the head, hard. I remember a pool of blood in my hand but not how it happened. That's the nature of a pit though - bodies flailing in all directions - you never know where the hit will come from. For the most part I was trying to stay out of the meat of the pit. I was hanging around the right hand edge cause the sound was really good there. Every now and then the pit would expand or get whipped into a frenzy and suddenly the spot where I was standing is now in the middle of the pit. Anyways, I'll live. Back to the memories. I thought for a while on this while waiting in the airport - am I disappointed that I don't remember much about the show? I came to the conclusion that I am not. Here's why - I can think back to all the shows I've seen when I was NOT completely shit faced and, surprise, I don't remember that much detail about them either. No more so than a television show I saw once - 2 years ago. So maybe it's not so bad to not have a firm recollection of the performances. Even the shows I remember as being my all time favorites - for example Nevermore/Mercyful Fate in '99 or '00. I remember vague images - what sticks to me is remembering the feeling I had - knowing that the sound was awesome, that they played flawlessly- I don't actually remember any of this - but I remember thinking it.
Dr. Metal made the comment that he may go to another city to see the same show - this time sans the alcohol poisoning. I'll bet that if he does it will take only 6 months or so before that whole show becomes a hazy memory as well. Ask him some specifics about Monty Python's Life of Brian, I can attest to the fact he has seen it at least 10 times - in full. He won't remember half of it of the top of his head. So how could he remember specifics about 1 concert? Even without the booze. See my point. I'm not picking on Dr. Metal, just as an example. I think everyone's mind works kind of the same. So it doesn't really matter how wasted you get as long as you have some memory of the event - it would be a waste of money, time, and booze if you remembered absolutely zero. That would suck. At least I know I was there. I remember some riffs. I remember $35 t-shirts, long beer lines, slippery stairs, rockin songs, blazing solos, a lot of kids wearing black as usual. I do not recall seeing one single security guard, come to think of it. Or a cop. A memory that is still intact is one that took place the latest in the evening - me standing on the sidewalk outside a little bar - Dr. Metal trying to convince me that no one in the bar would notice the gaping headwound I had or my blood soaked shirt. Of course we both knew they would. But the beauty is in carrying on as usual - what? No blood soaked shirts here. What head trauma?

Monday, June 12, 2006

Gearing up for a METAL SHOW

Metal bands, although mostly talented with musical instruments, tend to be just shy of creative when it comes to albums titles, song titles, themes, dress, and lyrics. My wife posed the question to me some time ago: "Why do they have to sing about that?" - referring to The Crown's Back From the Grave. My reply was something like "Well, that's the best they could come up with given their lack of education, meager social circles, and desire to emulate their idols - Mainly Slayer - because ALL metal bands wish they were Slayer." Because of Slayer, Venom, and Death metal took a turn to the uncreative - everyone wants to sing about the same crap - death, evil, killing ,blah blah blah. Most real metal heads know it's all a bunch of fluff. Like horror flicks - doesn't mean Stephen King thinks he's a Vampire. Not like Rap where those "musicians" are actually braggin about crimes and convincing our young'uns to follow their lead. Nevertheless, a vast majority of metal bands cling to the dark, evil, blah blah aspects of life to find material for albums. I've dug through one of my favorite metal sites, bnrmetal.com, to find some commonalities amongst metal throughout the years - mainly 1980-2005.

DEATH, DEAD, DYING, DIE
Album titles containing these words: 233
Worst title use: Tiny Deaths, by Rakoth
Band Names containing these words: 28

EVIL
Album titles: 55
Worst title use : Flowers of Evil, by Black Obelisk
Band Names: 5 - hmmmm, there's room for growth here.

DEVIL,SATAN
Album titles: 27, 25
Worst title use: Teach Children to Worship Satan, by Dark Funeral
Band Names: 2,4 - more room for growth

DARK
Album titles: 98
Worst use: Darker Than Black, by Cage
Band Names: 16

BLACK
Album titles: 103
Worst use: Black Umbrella, by Thought Industry
Band Names: 15

all other colors
Album Titles: 61
Worst Use: Pink Bubbles Go Ape!, by Helloween * see below
Band Names: 20

ANGEL
Album titles: 47
Worst: Angel Juice, by Damien
Band Names: 12

GOD
Album titles: 73
Worst: You Will Find God In A Lonely Field, by Diabolus
Bands: 18

KILL, KILLER, KILLING
Albums: 87
Worst: King of the Kill, by Annihilator
Bands: 9

* Pink Bubbles Go Ape! This might be the most ridiculously titled album of all time for any genre. But I will give them credit - they did manage to have 3 first and onlys: album title containing the word 'pink', 'bubbles', or 'ape'. Perhaps they sat around someones apartment trying to come up with a good album title - all the darks, blacks, and deaths were used and abused. Perhaps something with pink. Yeah, that's it. How about bubbles. I like bubbles. Especially pink ones. I just go Ape for pink bubbles. Ohhhhh. Pink Bubbles Go Ape. Yeah. Guys, lets call our new album Pink Bubbles Go Ape! - isn't that crazy. Wow, we sure are metal.
Then again Helloween has always had a flair for the odd. Their album Keeper of the 7 keys was freakin rockin. There next offering saw them dip into the silly side with songs like Dr. Stein. It just went down hill from there. Perhaps too many bands have learned from Helloweens mistakes and are playing it safe and sticking to the old faithfull topics outlined above.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Find the Point - Win a 2 feathered Roach Clip

For some reason I have developed a taste for salad this week. I've had it every night this week to help me get into hang-out-by-the-pool shape. Funny how 10,000 plus years of human evolution has occurred yet we still eat a mound of plants just like the old hunter-gatherers. More like just the gatherers. I wonder if there were morons in the tribe that always came back with a basket full of weeds and poisonous plants. "Urg, you idiot. We can't eat this shit.. Go over there with the kids and practice your blueberry face painting." I haven't quite figured out why all human cultures had the practice of painting their faces. Why? They didn't have mirrors to look at themselves. What purpose did it serve? Battle preparations - I can kinda buy that. But 3 red lines and a blue patch on the forehead doesn't really scare me. It may give me something to aim at, but not scare me. If I had to paint something on my head before battle I would've put a rendering of a pussy right on my cheek. Just before my enemy swung the club he'd see it and have that split-second pause. That's when I'd stab him with my deer horn spear. And how come you never see American Indians with squirrel skins adorning their dress? You see raccoon, bear, buffalo, rabbit, deer, fox and wolf garb all the time. There's a cazillion squirrels around. They aren't all that hard to kill either. Yet you don't see a medicine man head dress with squirrel tails dangling all around it. Speaking of medicine men - how is it that no one ever noticed that the rain dance doesn't work? "Hey, Big Bear! You've been jumping around here like a fool for hours now. I don't see cloud 1. You're fired - go and face paint with the kids." Did they have a stop raining dance? Or perhaps a sprinkle a little to relieve the heat but not a full downpour dance. I would have pioneered the partly cloudy dance. Somehow Native Americans never seemed to notice that capturing wind is an aid in boat travel. Just about every other early civilizations figured this out. Going back to 3000 BC and the boats of the Pheonicians, Minoans, Asians, and Egyptians - you see elaborate ships, multi masted, able to carry passengers and goods. Yet Europeans arrived here in the 1500's to find the natives paddling around in hollowed out trees. Hey Runs with squirrels, tie that bear skin to a stick and get a little free propulsion. Somehow the Iron Age and bronze age skipped over North America. There was not one single enterprising Indian who figured out that melting ore and other minerals (which are ultra plentiful in the Americas) allows one to fashion it in a variety of shapes. I guess they were too busy building tee-pees out of sticks and animal skins. My great, great, great, great etc.. Grandfather was an Indian or so we believe. Every now and then I have the sudden urge to build a tee-pee and smoke a pipe. Those intellectual genes passed down to me almost got me in trouble at the zoo last month. After approaching the Buffalo exhibit I jumped the fence and ran after the weakest one with a sharp stick, hoping to bring him down to collect the hide, meat, and eat the tongue for my first kill. Not having a horse I was out maneuvered by the beast and he got away. Meanwhile 3 squirrels ran by me - but I had no desire to bag one. Hmmm. As best I can tell I am 50% Irish, 24% English, 24% Scottish, and 2 percent American Indian. Which means I have the propensity to drink heavily, crack jokes that no one here gets, play the bagpipes, and weave bird feathers into my hair. Of course, being mostly Irish, I usually just stick to the heavy drinking. Beer and Whiskey - oh yeah. I tried for years to get into other liquors - vodka, gin, rum, etc.. But they never took hold. Whiskey, on the other hand, is like drinking a little piece of heaven. I wonder if there will be whiskey in heaven. If it is to be heaven for me then surely there will be whiskey and beer. But in heaven there are no hangovers - oh yeah, I can't wait. Drink all you want- there's no liver damage, headaches, throwing up, or waking up next to some half breed hag who looked pretty damn good the night before. How come you never hear about someone waking up next to some hotty when they thought they looked just good enough to bone the night before. That'd be a nice surprise. "What the.... oh shit.. Who is this.... (pull the covers down)... Allllright! Damn she's hot. She must have been really drunk." At this point you become the half breed in the bed. I guess that's why no one ever talks about those moments. In my case they'd wake up next to a quad breed... Right?

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

On Shit

We don't often think about shit. Except of course when we give it that quick once-over before flushing. I noticed today that I always do this - it's kind of like checking the contents of a good nose blow in a tissue to see what I conjured up. I think we have this inherent instinct to check out our feces for any signs of inner turmoil. I've always noticed my cats and dog do it. They even go so far as to give it a sniff, just to make sure they got the formula right. Then again what are they gonna do if they realize it doesn't smell or look right? Ask to go to the vet? Eat more greens? Well, actually animals will eat some grass or weeds to get themselves normal - smart little buggers. But all this thought about shit made me realize what little bit most people know about it. So here's Bucky to enlighten you.

The word 'shit' originated from the Old Norse term skita, adopted by Old English as scitte, reformed in Middle English as schitte. Similar sounding words are found in dozens of languages owing to it's ancient origins. The basic meaning was 'a separation from the body', or a variation thereof. It is a fantastic word used as a noun, verb, adverb, or adjective. It can denote the entire range of emotions and instantly adds flavor to any phrase. But for our purposes we will stick to the noun version of shit and it's forms of turd, excrement, loaf, feces, fecal matter, grumpy, deuce, log, brown carrots, etc..

There is no real average number of bowl movements per day a person will take. A range of 3 a day to 3 times per week is generally accepted as normal.

Shit consists of 75% water and 25% solids. The solids are mainly dead and live bacteria, undigested organic matter(food) and fiber. The bacteria are varied. Over 1,200 species of microbes are found in the intestines which aid in digestion by breaking down the organic matter and facilitating water absorption in the colon. Recent studies show as many as 100 trillion microbes found in a single bowl movement. Foods with high fiber contents can pass through relatively undigested as evidenced from the appearance of corn, beans, and cereals in a floating turd. Whether or not a turd will float depends on the water content. More water will cause sinking and more solids will float the log. The water and fiber contents, when in perfect balance, should produce a log about 4 to 12 inches in length. Shorter, nuggety, turds indicate improper digestion. Food generally takes 24 hours to pass through the body. 3-4 hours in the stomach, 6 hours in the small intestine, 6 hours in the large intestine, and 6 hours in the rectum waiting for ejection.

Turd color is generally brown. Black could point to an excessive amount of blood in the stool. Various food color can cause pigmented shits - like Dr. Metals infamous Green Turds. Back to the brown. Why are shits brown? The color comes from stercobilin and urobinin which are the result of the breakdown of bilirubin which itself is a byproduct of the breakdown of hemoglobin in dead red blood cells . The bilirubin is carried to the liver and made water soluble to be disposed of in urine or shit. Of interest is that is this very bilirubin which can cause jaundice (yellowish skin) when concentrated in fatty tissue - a sign of abnormal liver function.

The smell of shit, which is unmistakable amongst the myriad of aromas we encounter on a daily basis, is due to the production of skatole, mercaptans, and hydrogen sulfide produced by the bacteria. Organic (natural) foods contain less matter capable of producing the stink makers while foods with lots of processing, additives, or other chemical treatments will enhance the stench.

There is some controversy about reading while on the toilet. I am an avid toilet reader. In fact, I read the entire Book of Mormon over a 6 month period with my daily visits. Like many of the experts I find that it relieves stress, relaxes the muscles, and takes my mind away from the daunting task of pushing out the occasional megaturd - reading that is, not the Book of Mormon itself. Some scientist, however, claim that reading causes one to sit longer than needed on the toilet which prolongs the pressure put on the anus by the rectum. This stress has been shown to be a minor culprit in hemorrhoids and anal fissures.


Happy Shitting!

Monday, June 05, 2006

Non-Famous Discoverers

I have just finished the book The Seashell on the Mountaintop (well, I listened to it on CD - but that counts). It's a fantastic read about a lesser known pioneer of anatomy and geology named Nicholas Steno (pronounced stay-no). Steno has a huge vault of discoveries to his credit such as: identification of the salivary glands and tear ducts, contraction process of muscle tissue, identification of the heart as a muscle, identification of fossilized sharks teeth, defining the process by which fossilized marine invertebrates became that way, and his defining of the Steno's laws of stratigraphy- paving the way for the science of geology. I couldn't help but think that with all this man had found how is it I had never heard of him, or if I had I certainly do not remember him. When we were in school we had boat loads of names and dates memorized which we regurgitate on a test then forgot forever. Too bad.... These men worked their whole lives in pursuit of some huge, groundbreaking accomplishment just to be reduced to a name and date, easily forgotten. So I decided to dig a little and find a few other lesser known discoverers. Perhaps I can name-drop a few today and make myself look really smart.

William Buckland, 1822, found the first dinosaur fossil.

Sir Richard Owen, 1842, coined the term 'dinosaur'. Megalosuarus was the first named dinosaur.

Edward Jenner, 1796, performed the first vaccination - he used cowpox to vaccinate against small pox.

William Addis, 1780, first to mass produce the toothbrush.

Adolph Rickenbacher and George Beauchamp, 1933, among the first to mass produce the electric guitar.

Perry Spencer, 1947, working for Raytheon first discovered micowave's use as a cooking instrument. The first microwave oven produced for sale was 6ft tall and weighed 750 lbs. First food microwaved - popcorn.

Wallace Carothers, 1935, working for DuPont produces Nylon. First mass produced usage - toothbrush.

Peter Henlein, 1524, first pocket watch

Gabrielle Fallopius, 1580, first prophylactic condom.

Edwin Beard Budding, 1830, first lawn mower

Now these gents can rest in peace - they have been immortalized on a blog. No longer are their accomplishments only heralded in the classroom, quickly forgotten by apathetic students. No longer will they have to wait for the Discovery Channel to run out of shark or Egyptian documentaries to turn to their meager careers for tube fodder. Most of these men didn't make a dime on their discoveries yet we depend on them daily. That's the main reason I got out of the science field. I just knew I would be the first to discover and produce a device that captures a fart - without sound or smell - to be released at a more opportune time. What would I get for my discovery? Probably a cold shoulder from manufacturers, scientists, and the Discovery Channel. Years later everyone would have a Bucky Flatulence Catcher. Some half-wit with a blog would write an entry on my trials and tribulations.

Friday, June 02, 2006

My Problem with Science

I've always considered myself an amateur scientist. I love to read about it and study it in my spare time. Being the child of a scientist I grew up with a respect for the various fields and viewed them as the intellectual and technological advancement of humankind. But is science really all that special? We'd all like to hope so. We depend on science to get us through every day safe and sound. Without civil engineering bridges would collapse. Without the medical sciences we would be a sickly race. Without computer technology communications would be slow and time consuming. It's no doubt that we cannot live without advancements in science.

But what bothers me is that we can do all these things and yet we still have not figured out simpler things. We can send a super-sonic rocket to the far reaches of the solar system, carrying a high tech digital infrared spectrometer, and have it return to use loaded with images, data, and interstellar samples. Yet each year some researcher is just now making a breakthrough in toothbrush design. How is it that the toothbrush has not already been perfected? We can implant a pigs heart into a human, control virus' and bacteria with state of the art pharmaceuticals, yet we do not know what causes a yawn. We developed highly sophisticated computer hardware and software capable of millions of computations per second but we get carpal-tunnel syndrome from using a keyboard. We build skyscrapers and other mega structures like they were tinker toys but I cannot seem to get my toilet to flush properly - even after replacing the flush kit.

Perhaps what really gives me an uneasy feeling is looking back at the history of science. So many times a 'breakthrough' is made only to be completely contradicted a few years later by a newer, better, safer product. Things like Lead in paint. Hey, great idea... Who knew that decades later people would be keeling over with cancer because the grew up in a room with lead based paint? Nutrition sciences really pisses me off. Coffee is bad for you.... No no it's good for you..... No wait.. It's neither.... Well maybe it is bad..... Or good. How is it that it has taken 1,000's of years of human intuition to determine that the anti-oxidants found in strawberries are among the most potent? Scientists recently discovered a specific gene mutation potentially linked to breast cancer but there is no medical cure for hiccups. I hate hiccups.

Archeology is questionable as well. Although I love the subject and agree with most theories there are many which I just see as sheer conjecture and guesswork - even though they are widely accepted as fact. For example - all the bones ever collected from any pre-human hominid could be piled up and they would fit in the bed of a pick up truck. ALL of them. There has never been one single complete skeleton of any pre-human hominid ever found. They just find little fragments and pieces. Yet they can ascertain, with some level of confidence, a complete evolution of present day man? Even go so far as to tell us all about their social behavior and intellectual capacity? Come on now... Sometimes I think science tries to fill in the gaps a little too much. Why can't they just say "we've got a pile of bones here that appear to be something that is not currently represented in the fauna of the earth"? Archaeologists have gotten lots of stuff wrong over the years... Watch any Discovery Channel special concerning an archeological topic and you will hear this phrase at least 2 times: "We now know.......". Oh.... Well, we always figured this.... But "We now know". NO shit.