Buckminster Skeeter: Wanna buy a watch?

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Find the Point - Win a 2 feathered Roach Clip

For some reason I have developed a taste for salad this week. I've had it every night this week to help me get into hang-out-by-the-pool shape. Funny how 10,000 plus years of human evolution has occurred yet we still eat a mound of plants just like the old hunter-gatherers. More like just the gatherers. I wonder if there were morons in the tribe that always came back with a basket full of weeds and poisonous plants. "Urg, you idiot. We can't eat this shit.. Go over there with the kids and practice your blueberry face painting." I haven't quite figured out why all human cultures had the practice of painting their faces. Why? They didn't have mirrors to look at themselves. What purpose did it serve? Battle preparations - I can kinda buy that. But 3 red lines and a blue patch on the forehead doesn't really scare me. It may give me something to aim at, but not scare me. If I had to paint something on my head before battle I would've put a rendering of a pussy right on my cheek. Just before my enemy swung the club he'd see it and have that split-second pause. That's when I'd stab him with my deer horn spear. And how come you never see American Indians with squirrel skins adorning their dress? You see raccoon, bear, buffalo, rabbit, deer, fox and wolf garb all the time. There's a cazillion squirrels around. They aren't all that hard to kill either. Yet you don't see a medicine man head dress with squirrel tails dangling all around it. Speaking of medicine men - how is it that no one ever noticed that the rain dance doesn't work? "Hey, Big Bear! You've been jumping around here like a fool for hours now. I don't see cloud 1. You're fired - go and face paint with the kids." Did they have a stop raining dance? Or perhaps a sprinkle a little to relieve the heat but not a full downpour dance. I would have pioneered the partly cloudy dance. Somehow Native Americans never seemed to notice that capturing wind is an aid in boat travel. Just about every other early civilizations figured this out. Going back to 3000 BC and the boats of the Pheonicians, Minoans, Asians, and Egyptians - you see elaborate ships, multi masted, able to carry passengers and goods. Yet Europeans arrived here in the 1500's to find the natives paddling around in hollowed out trees. Hey Runs with squirrels, tie that bear skin to a stick and get a little free propulsion. Somehow the Iron Age and bronze age skipped over North America. There was not one single enterprising Indian who figured out that melting ore and other minerals (which are ultra plentiful in the Americas) allows one to fashion it in a variety of shapes. I guess they were too busy building tee-pees out of sticks and animal skins. My great, great, great, great etc.. Grandfather was an Indian or so we believe. Every now and then I have the sudden urge to build a tee-pee and smoke a pipe. Those intellectual genes passed down to me almost got me in trouble at the zoo last month. After approaching the Buffalo exhibit I jumped the fence and ran after the weakest one with a sharp stick, hoping to bring him down to collect the hide, meat, and eat the tongue for my first kill. Not having a horse I was out maneuvered by the beast and he got away. Meanwhile 3 squirrels ran by me - but I had no desire to bag one. Hmmm. As best I can tell I am 50% Irish, 24% English, 24% Scottish, and 2 percent American Indian. Which means I have the propensity to drink heavily, crack jokes that no one here gets, play the bagpipes, and weave bird feathers into my hair. Of course, being mostly Irish, I usually just stick to the heavy drinking. Beer and Whiskey - oh yeah. I tried for years to get into other liquors - vodka, gin, rum, etc.. But they never took hold. Whiskey, on the other hand, is like drinking a little piece of heaven. I wonder if there will be whiskey in heaven. If it is to be heaven for me then surely there will be whiskey and beer. But in heaven there are no hangovers - oh yeah, I can't wait. Drink all you want- there's no liver damage, headaches, throwing up, or waking up next to some half breed hag who looked pretty damn good the night before. How come you never hear about someone waking up next to some hotty when they thought they looked just good enough to bone the night before. That'd be a nice surprise. "What the.... oh shit.. Who is this.... (pull the covers down)... Allllright! Damn she's hot. She must have been really drunk." At this point you become the half breed in the bed. I guess that's why no one ever talks about those moments. In my case they'd wake up next to a quad breed... Right?

4 Comments:

Blogger mugwump said...

Show-off!

That's interesting about your possibly having some indian heritage. There's always been something about your eyes that is undefinable to me. Not so much the color or shape... hmmm, maybe that explains it. It would also explain your swarthy hair/coloring.

7:21 AM  
Blogger Dr. Metal said...

The point is there is no point. You just now have a forum to dump your otherwise meaningless thoughts. Your lack of profundity is quite profound.

I'm glad you've gotten your mojo back, however. I had thought your funniness, your wit, had escaped forever and that you, too, had gone the way of the half-wit. Alas, Bucky has saved you.

p.s. I *strongly* encourage you to work in the word 'alas' into a serious conversation.

7:56 AM  
Blogger mugwump said...

Perhaps Mugwump's confused adoration sparked Bucky's revival. Alas, he shall never be hers.

10:28 AM  
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