Buckminster Skeeter: Wanna buy a watch?

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

The 11th Commandment

Thall shalt not apply Preparation H before you have wiped yourself.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Atta boy... Shula!

Perhaps Shula read my open letter - monumentally unlikely!! I watched the game against the football powerhouse that is Florida International this weekend and was surprised to see some of the things I wrote about come to fruition..

firstly...

Darby only had 10 carries. Now, of course, one could say the Shula was 'saving' his "star" running back for the next three games... But I think not. Other than 1 long gain and 1 or 2 medium yardage gains Darby did his usual hop, skip, and fall routine. The best run of the day came through a hole in the line the size of a Cadillac Escalade. I think Shula may be slowly.... creepingly... Shifting the running game away from Darby... I can dream at least.Castille did his normal battering ram runs - good for what it is.

secondly...

Jimmy Johns had 9 carries with only 22 yards to show.. It's true... It's true... But, Johns got the most of the running calls during the second half when the Tide enjoyed a comfy lead and all the freshmen and 3rd stringers were in there. He was somewhat of a sacrificial back at that point.. I still say He Da Man. Did you see him taking the snap during that series after Wilson was shaken up?... Let him throw the ball as well... Why the hell not? Can he be that bad of a passer? But please..... Shula, Please........ Don't run a quarterback keeper 3 times in a row with Johns. Fool them once, fool them twice, the third time their gonna get him for a loss... And they did.. No shit!

thirdly...

Redzone offense was better but third downs are still ATROCIOUS!!!!! Of the 3 offensive touchdowns 2 came from short yardage passes - 9 and 6 yards.... See there Shula old pal... You can get short yardage gains without the old run it up the middle routine.. Short yardage 3rd down plays - 2 for 6 (the two converted were passes). 3rd downs ,in general, were ugly - 3 for 13 - aaaagh. But at least you are spreading the ball out in the air with 8 different players having a reception.. Good job.

fourthly...

Wilson. Not a bad outing for the youngster, 8 of 13 - and one of the incompletes in the hands of would've been a 20 yard+ td but apparently McCoy can't catch a ball thrown directly into his hands.... Not the real McCoy on Saturday. Great job on not letting Wilson throw down field!!! He only threw 1 ball past 25 yards and it was, surprise, underthrown. Luckily we got an interference call on it and got some yards anyhow. How many defensive pass interference calls were there on FIU? At least 5 I think - that shows that our receivers were getting open and beating the coverage.. Good job.

lastly...

growing a pair of balls. Perhaps you have coach.. Perhaps you have. I sit here today honestly impressed at some of your calls. Sure, we were playing FIU and were never in danger of a come from behind routing.. But still... Good calls. Not only did you go for it on 4th down - but you did it 3 times. One the opponent 1 yard line - fuckin' A ,coach. 4th and 7, on the FIU 28 with 8 minutes to go in the 4th (up by 27 points) - you go for it on 4th - double fuckin' A, coach. Now that's some aggressive football - something Bowden would do - I like it... Keep it up. Just work on those 3rd down plays.

All in all I think my letter to Mike helped out.

Here's tips for this weeks match up:

Be overly aggressive.. Sylvester is begging for his first SEC win and they just may be hungry enough to fight for it. You need to whip our guys into a bloodthirtsy frenzy - we need a huge scoring, brutal hitting game to carry our team into the following 2 games. Facing LSU and Auburn after routing 2 teams would be perfect. Facing them after narrowly winning against Crooms' 8-23 record is like fighting Holyfield after barely winning a fight against Rick Allen (yes, the one armed drummer for Def Leppard) - no offence, Rick.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

A Shitload of toilets

You ever wonder why we use so many different names for groups of animals? I do... All the time.. I'm wondering it right now when I should be doing something "work" related at my desk. Nevertheless.....

Here are a few:


Army of frogs, Ambush of tigers, Bale of turtles, Band of jays, Bevy of quails, Bouquet of pheasants, Business of ferrets, Cete of badgers, Charm of finches, Clowder of cats, Clutch of chickens, Colony of gulls, Convocation of eagles, Covey of partridges, Crash of rhinos, Earth of foxes, Exaltation of larks, Family of sardines, Flamboyance of flamingos, Flight of doves, Gaggle of geese, Hover of jellyfish, Herd of antelope, Kennel of dogs, Kindle of kittens, Knot of toads, Leap of leopards, Mob of kangaroos, Murder of crows, Ostentation of peacocks, Parliament of owls, Pack of wolves, Paddling of ducks, Pitying of turtle doves, Pod of whales, Pride of lions, Rag of colts, Richness of martens, School of fish, Shrewdness of apes, Siege of herons, Sounder of boars, Skein of geese, Skulk of foxes, Sloth of bears, Stable of horses, Swarm of bees, Trip of goats, Troop of monkeys, Unkindness of ravens.

Strange... huh!? I have read that these names derived from people's perception of the animals based on their physical characteristics, behavior or mythology/folklore. Using this same methodology I've come up with the following names:

Mullet of rednecks, Jockstrap of ball players, Mirage of magicians, Rudeness of yankees, Avocado of Californians, Thrash of metal heads, Stench of hippies, Buffet of fat guys, Warrant of felons, Spatula of chefs, Chap of cowboys, Squirt of gigolos, Lay of whores, Coven of politicians, Pole of firemen, Brown of arabs, Razor of skinheads, Cream of lesbians, Whine of Democrats, Greed of Republicans, etc....

Sunday, October 22, 2006

An Open Letter (list, actually) to Mike Shula

Dear Coach Shula,

* Put Kenneth Darby on the bench. As a fellow Bama fan pointed out to me a few weeks ago Darby is too hoppy. He's too upright as he approaches the line of scrimmage and he hops side to side trying to find a hole. It's no wonder he has so many carries for loss and small gains this year. I'm not sure what happened to him during the off season but the kid has definitely lost his mojo. Get him running north and south from the moment he touches the ball to the moment he hits the ground then maybe he can have a little more playing time. But for now... Bench him. Johns, Castille, and McClain are perfectly able to move the ball on the ground.

* Find ways to get Jimmy Johns the ball more often. This kid is a multi talented playmaker. He was a quarterback in high school... Remember?? How about putting a couple of HB options in the playbook.

* Bama's red zone scoring percentage is heinous to say the least. The same can be said about our third down conversion rate. Stop trying to run it up the middle for a 5 yard gain.... It's NOT working out for you this year. Not only because of point #1 above but also because you ALWAYS do it. It doesn't take a genius defensive coordinator to sniff out your 3rd and short plan. Try running more cross routes and quick outs with Hall, Oakley, Brown and Caddell. These guys are good receivers... Just call their number. Plus if you bench Darby the ground game will actually work and the linebackers will have to play the line to guard against the run opening a hole for a quick slant and an easy 5-7 yard gain.

* Stop calling down field passing plays for Wilson. I like the kid and I think he is going to be exceptional in '07 and '08 but he's mediocre now. The majority of the balls he throws past 20 yards are underthrown leaving DJ Hall to do some aerial acrobatics to prevent an interception and hopefully come down with the ball. Not to mention the fact that he throws into double and triple coverage. Plus the offensive line ain't really in a position to give Wilson the time he needs to make a long pass. Also - he telegraphs every throw - he stares the receiver down from the line of scrimmage on. Even I know where he's going as soon as the ball is snapped.

* Grow a pair of balls. How dare you not go for a 4th and 1 inside the opponents 10 yard line. The Tide defense had proven that they could handle the Vols offense. I guess you figured Bama doesn't score in the red zone anyway... Might as well take 3 and move on. If we would have gotten the first and subsequently scored we could have won the game by 1 rather than lose by 3. You have GOT to learn to take some calculated chances. You are waaaaaayyyy too conservative.

I hope you take my advice to heart. LSU and Auburn will be less forgiving than Tennessee.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Decisions...Decisions

I have recently had the urge to write down (on paper of sorts) my daily witticisms, recollections, musings, introspective criticisms, and religious deliberations. But I have decided not to as I cannot decide between starting a diary, journal, memoir, annal(s), daybook, chronicle, log, record, notebook, register, minutes, or remembrance.